My Rant to the Graduates

Oh, let's just be honest shall we? I'm going to admit that on this forum, I'm usually ranting, not speech-ifying. I kind of feel like the Hugo Chavez of coaching...except that I have an actual working sense of humor. On the other hand, I don't have a palace guard. Again I say that life isn't fair. But, I digest.

Right around now, hundreds of thousands of people are graduating from various academic institutions in this great nation of ours...and freaking the f**k out, as they contemplate getting a job with a degree in business tourism. (FYI: That is a real thing. Then again, so is John Boener so what do I know, right?) Before I get a ton of hate mail...1) I used to answer the phone on the FOX News assignment desk so please, I've heard it all. #bringit 2) I was a history major, with a focus on Russian Area Studies, so I know allll about the joys of having a "relevant" degree. I also know what it's like to be graduating, and to be so excited to escape into the real world, while still feeling absolutely terrified by this thing called "being independent, and financially responsible and acting like an adult." Yeah... know what I did? I moved to Russia and ended up working in TV news. TV news, a business in which maturity is not only over-rated, it's a liability. Memories...!

Of course now, in 2013, the Moscow bureau that I worked at is probably a strip-club, so you have to take a different path.Today graduates are constantly besieged with the advice that they have to create the jobs they want. Okay, that's true...but considering that many 40somethings have no realistic idea how to do this, I just want to take a moment and tell the class of 2013 that it's okay to be terrified, and that you'll all be okay. I promise. The biggest hurdle you have to get over is your fear about doing the "right thing," and just take intelligent, logical steps and be realistic. (Insert here bitter laughter from millions of grads in debt to their eyeballs to get a degree in sociology.) Welp, it's never too late to start...right? Right.

1. "The most effective way to do it, is to do it." -Amelia Earhart

Okay, so maybe her sense of direction wasn't fantastic, but when it comes to getting to the nitty-gritty, she's damn accurate. You just graduated. If there's something interesting or important you want to do...just start doing it. You don't know how? You'll figure it out as you go along. On the other hand, if you wait for the perfect time, or for someone's approval, or for someone else to help you figure out what you want to do...meh, not so much. And seriously: what do you have to lose?

I moved to Russia, for example, because I wanted to know if I could create a life in a foreign country, and in a foreign language. I was probably only mildly terrified...but I did it. It wasn't always pretty, it wasn't always fun...but it was always memorable. The knowledge that I was able to move to Russia, and live and work in a foreign language, has helped me to achieve many other things.  On the other hand, if I hadn't gone to Russia, I would have given into Fear...and Fear doesn't just want part of you, it wants to own you. Fear is a very powerful enemy.

So if there's something you want to do, listen to me carefully: GO DO IT! Just get started. Talk to people, research things, go to the library, ask your fellow alumni, listen to your inner voice...TRUST YOURSELF. I frequently have clients tell me, "Carlota, you're so awesome," and while that is very extremely true, it's not so much that I was especially awesome, but that I took their dreams seriously.

You want to do something: commit to your dreams, and commit to yourself.

2. Relax.

You just graduated college, you have no idea what you want to do in life, you're still figuring yourself out...on the other hand, you can still drink till dawn, sweat it out on the treadmill and feel fantastic in the am.

People are so hung up on doing everything right, they seem to forget that life is about experiencing things and experience means making mistakes. I dated many boys I shouldn't have. I adopted quite a few cats who didn't "get" me. I've wasted far too much time watching "Aqua Teen Hunger Force."

I regret nothing.

Your whole life is ahead of you, wonderful and exciting times...what are you waiting for, what are you worried about? The best is yet to come.

Before you give me that side-eye, maybe you should email me @carlotazee@gmail.com? And become a fan of my Facebook page," Carlotaworldwide Creativity Yenta," for a free consultation!

Besos,
C.

I had all these grandiose plans to write today about an awesome client who, in a moment of triumph, instant messaged me “I HAVE BIG BALLS”—she really does, she’s beyond awesome—and how exhilarating it was to see her embracing her power…however. However, I went out to see a comedy roast last night, and while I have a near-fetish for funny men, I forgot how most comics, in person, are somewhere below Jeffrey Dahmer when it comes to their ability to interact with other humans. 

And trust me: I’m not a delicate flower. I survived elementary school with other gifted children, living in Russia, dating Russian men, law school, Nancy Grace pre-make-up…to name but a few.  So I don’t take personally your inability to make eye contact or shower or get laid, and thus your need to spread your rage against women. As long as you’re funny, I don’t care.  As long as you make me laugh, be as spiteful as you wish. 

But when you’re not funny, when in fact you can’t even be bothered to attempt to be funny since you’re so full of bile, contempt and barely suppressed loathing, because you’re spending more time on the comic lifestyle than the comic discipline…well then as certain suburban housewives say, shit just got real. 

In those circumstances, you know, it’s difficult for me not to say, “Oh, you think?” when you tell me your wife is leaving you. You took off the handcuffs for 5 minutes and she saw her opportunity, hmm? Run, bitch, run! Luckily, the humanoid in question here wasn’t hitting on me but the lovely lady sitting next to him…her face a mask of horror. If he had been hitting on me, I would have spontaneously developed some lingering vaginal cancer…which, on second thought, he probably wouldn’t have minded. I suppose this is my point: no one made you want to grow up to be a comic. Other people get over the beatings, or being laughed at in third grade, or being emotionally abused or being dressed as a girl. Didn’t seem to hold back the Hohenzollern Dynasty!

Some people go into therapy. Some people choose to enjoy their life. Some people develop people-skills and you know, make actual friends.  Some people become Hugo Chavez which seemed to work for a while. So you, my dear: you choose to be a comic. That’s awesome, sounds great to me: so how about you work at it, and commit to your skills, to your talent, to networking and STOP committing to being a miserable f**k and taking it all out on the audience. If I wanted to be miserable I’d still be in TV, dealing with “reporters” who can’t report. I’d still be cutting teases of a goddamn water-skiing squirrel…who was at least easier to take than a certain action-figure-sized Greek on-air “personality.” I’m using “personality” here in the sense that Stalin was called the “Cult of Personality.”

 But, if I go out to a comedy roast, it’s because I’d like to drink some vodka and be amused. Don’t even get me started on the chick who laughed at her own woefully unfunny jokes. The same chick who, naturally, sent me a Facebook friend request: nothing to see here, keep it moving. 

Want some help committing to yourself?  Of course you do! Email me @carlotazee@gmail.com, or become a fan of my Facebook page, “Carlotaworldwide Creativity Yenta," for a free consultation!