Channukah Hints, Jewrican Factoids #4: Don't cheat yourself

Like a great many people, I am ambivalent about success. It probably has something to do with not being 26 anymore: you want something big, but you know how hard life can be and you worry about failure. You want something important...but do you really want it?
 My latest play for example. There was a period of about two months when it was 100% done...but I couldn't get myself to print it out and send it to my agent. I kept saying, "Oh, I'll do it tomorrow. I just have to [fill in the excuse]." I kept having to check the spelling, or the formatting, or "brood." In reality, it was just the idea of sending it to my agent and having her say, "I hate it." (She would have been dead to me, but anyway.)
 But what if she loved it...? That would be scary also, right? The idea that I'm sending my play out into the world and people, strangers, will see my characters, my ideas, my words, brought to life? Whoa... Long-story short: I got over myself, sent it out, and am now actively seeking to get it produced. It was a mixture of ego, whining and financial necessity.
So I have some issues...but I cop to them, and then I go all out.
What drives me crazy, on the other hand, are people who are ambivalent about success, but instead of confronting that demon, they instead do a seriously half-assed  job and then absolve themselves of all responsibility. They say: "Well, I did everything possible. So, it's not my fault." Those people make The Kitten  cranky.
Perfect example: I had a client this summer who put up a website to promote his art, mentioned it once on his Facebook page...and then basta! No mas. Never updated the content, never promoted it--did not in fact even have business cards, till The Kitten and I looked at him in horror--basically, never gave anyone a reason to visit his site after the first time. But he had a website right, so any day now, any day, the Guggenheim people would be calling to ask him what kind of suitcase he wanted them to deliver the cash in. When I suggested to him, that he join the rest of us in 2011, by getting a Facebook fan page, and hey, why not, selling his art on his website, and making use of Twitter, he kept saying, "Yeah, I'll get to it, I'll update it once and it'll be awesome."  Once? Don't hold back, kid.
And yet, when I asked him if he was afraid to be successful, he bristled. "No, not  at all: I'm very ambitious." Huh.
So, here's my hint: do not cheat yourself. It's fine, it's normal, it's human to be fearful of things we want. It's normal to be ambivalent about achieving your dreams...but if you decide to do something, go all the way! Do not cheat yourself. Don't do the minimum and then wonder why nothing happened. Because while you're cheating yourself...someone else has committed to themselves and their dreams and is going hard, kid.
Jewrican Factoid #4: I've lived in a lot of different places--Brooklyn, Taxachussetts, Russia, Washington, D.C., New York--and people always assume I'm something different. In Russia, I swear to god, people would ask me what my nationality was, and then say, "Well, Carlota, I know you can't be American, because you're so well-educated." Oy. In D.C., the cab drivers would always ask me what part of the Homeland (Ethiopia) I was from. Considering how stunning Ethiopian women are, I'd say something like, "The part known as the Upper West Side?" (Zing!) In New York, men assume I'm Dominican. Recently, in Jackson Heights, I was yelled at for not speaking Hindi and "denying my heritage." And yet, I'm just me: Jewrican and proud, nu?

Don't Fear The Reaper

Actually, the title of this quickie post should be something like, "Don't Fear Success," but the song has been in my head, not sure why. I was thinking about the fear of success, in many different forms, since I'm re-reading, for the billionth time, one of my very favorite books, A Confederacy of Dunces, by John Kennedy Toole. Read it countless times, still makes me laugh out loud, still adore it. A boy I dated this summer had never read it, and when I raised my eyebrow in appalled disapproval, he said: "Oh, I always assumed it wasn't as good as the hype." Funny, because that's what I thought about him...
Anyway, if you're read the book, you know the tragic story of the author; that Toole wrote this masterwork when he was, approximately, in his late 20s, and then committed suicide at age 32. You know that his mother fought to get the book published. And that the book eventually won the Pulitzer Prize. That story always, no matter how many times I think about it, simultaneously breaks my heart, and renews my faith in humanity. It's an amazing story.
I personally think that Toole based his antihero, Ignatius J. Reilly, on some alternate-universe version of himself. (I have no evidence to back this up.) His rendering of Reilly, and the "tragedy at the heart of Ignatius's great gaseous rages and lunatic adventures," to quote Walker Percy's excellent forward, always seemed to me to come from some deep, interior place.
And while re-reading this book, I thought of how many of us, are sometimes more afraid of success than we may let on. That boy I mentioned earlier? A fine musician. He got some decent press, and created a website to promote his work...well, at least he said he did. In reality, he created a waste of space on the Internet, where people could, it is true, listen to his music, but there was no updated information about where to buy said music, or hear him perform. Details, right? Until I gently nagged the sh*t out of him, his profile picture was of...his shoes. (Deep breath.) Did I mention that this boy was quite handsome? (My vadge ain't no fool.) But yes, sure, put up a photo of your shoes, since sure, that'll sell the music by the truck-load...not that you apparently wish to sell your music. Oh, never mind. I should return to my home planet Earth anyway.
Meanwhile, he told me that I was afraid of success, since at that time, I was delaying doing the final formatting on my play. (It's since been done, and I'm in the process of getting it produced, thanks.) Here's the difference between us: I may have my issues with success. But I admit to them! I admit to my flaws, my fears and all that other delicious sh*t so I can get over them, and then do the hard, exhausting work necessary to bring my dreams to reality. What I don't do, is pretend that I have no fears, no issues...and then half-ass all the important stuff, the stuff that can bring my dreams to fruition, and later on wonder, "Hmm, why is nothing working out? Oh well, I've done everything I can, la la la."
John Kennedy Toole has his mother, Thelma, to take up his mantle, after his suicide, and make sure his talent saw the light of day. She fought damn hard to make that happen. But you and I would be better served fighting for ourselves, doing the difficult job right the first time, and not assuming anyone else will give a damn.
(And if you haven't yet read, A Confederacy of Dunces...seriously? Like a fine wine, it just gets better.)