Adventures in Advertising

I was on LinkedIn yesterday evening...ugh, that's a shameful truth to admit in public! Better to say, I was out "wilding" in Central Park, or watching photos of chubby yet downcast Mitt Romney supporters on election night...good times! But no; I'm committed to the truth. That is my curse. Thus: I was on LinkedIn last night, and I happened to notice a friend's profile headline in which she described herself with some extremely left-handed "complimentary" terms. Sigh.

Maybe you people haven't noticed this little delicious detail, but in our society there's plenty of people, droves of people in fact, who will happily tell you everything about yourself that they want you to be ashamed of, from the color of your skin, to whom you sleep with, to how you're not that hot, so get over yourself. There's so many of those lovely souls, right? So why should you help them diminish all that you are by describing yourself as "geeky" or saying, "I don't know what I want to be when I grow up" or "lifestyle coach." Spoiler alert: YOU SHOULD NOT.  Also, seriously: WTF is a "lifestyle coach"? Do you coach people on where best to place their sofa, so as to get the best view of their TVs? Shut up, hippie, wash that Patchouli stench off and get a real job. (I know, some people just raised an eyebrow at that, thinking, "Um...Creativity Yenta? Hello pot, may I introduce you to kettle?" Yeah, may I introduce you to this headlock. That's what I thought, punk. #notplaying)

Last time I checked, 'geeky' just means you're smart, so why don't you own that sh*t and create a headline which says, "I'm smart," and not "Please be nice to me, please love me!" In fact, why don't you just love yourself and give yourself the affirmation that matters most so that you can own your sh*t. Why, indeed. Also, successful advertising means selling people an idealized portrayal of what they want to achieve...not what they are...n'est pas? And if you don't get that LinkedIn, like everything else that humans do, is about advertising...are you a Luddite? Don't you have some butter to churn.

You probably went to a decent school, you got good grades, you're smart--if you're reading this blog, and using my advice, you're brilliant...high-five!--so why don't you tell the haters to shove it, and celebrate yourself! If, for no other reason, consider it from the POV of the hiring personnel at any good company: they want to hire people who are going to bring great ideas, great energy, great passion into the workforce! If you're already diminishing yourself...um, how exactly are you going to convince someone you should get your dream job? Heck, are you going to convince yourself? (You HAVE to convince yourself first so you can do the work necessary.) And any company who doesn't want passionate people...why would you want to work in that cesspool? I say this, by the way, as someone who slaved in TV news for almost a decade, working at some places which would have made the Khmer Rouge's Killing Fields seem like a weekend retreat, except that Pol Pot was better at generating good morale.

Don't even get me started on those people who have crappy photos or, worse, no photo. That just makes me want to, a la Lindsay Hohan, start drinking, right now, from a water bottle full of vodka. (Okay, so she did some crap movies...but when it comes to booze, my girl's no slouch, right? And people say nothing good comes out of Lawn Guyland...) I refuse to believe anyone is that damn hideous that they can't go to Sephora for a free express 15 minute makeover (free, b*tches!) and have someone who likes you take approximately 5 or 600 photos till you get one that makes you want to take yourself home, dim the lights, put some Marvin Gaye on...and get to third base with yourself.

Here's the thing: if your profile boasts a photo of  yourself which makes you look as fine as a ticket on a dash, you are going to be proud of that profile. Which means you're going to spend time writing and re-writing that profile. Which means you're going to end up with a profile you're proud of, which intrigues other people, which leads to you being able to network efficiently, which EVENTUALLY leads to you being CEO of you aaaand you're welcome. I take all forms of currency: US dollars and plastic. Don't even try to barter services, son: I graduated from Wellesley, not Oberlin.

No profile photo or a crappy profile photo means, once again, you're ashamed and disgusted with yourself, so you don't bother to promote yourself, which means why should someone else give you a better job? Even you don't believe you could do it. Ugh just typing those words makes me cranky so do me a favor and doll yourself up, put on a great outfit, maybe even have a shot of vodka and take as many damn photos as necessary till you get one which makes you think,"...Where the f**k have I been all my life??" (Some people reading this are thinking, "Um, 'have a shot?' Yeah, that's super professional advice, Carlota." Thanks, that's what your mom thought, too. Remember that bit earlier in which I indicated that I was not playing, son? That sh*t is for reals. I'm here to get every single person on this planet achieving their highest potential, so you can strap in or get out of my way.)

Now I'm tired, and I still have clients to nag, um I meant encourage. Right. Sure. Want some more guidance? Of course you do! Email me @ carlotazee@gmail.com, and like my Facebook page, "Carlotaworldwide Creativity Yenta," for a free consultation!

Looking for love in many of the wrong places...

I probably ("probably") shouldn't post when I'm grumpy (...since when has that stopped me, right?), but let's face it: there's only 24 hours in the day. I'm am only one woman. I foresee more grumpiness. Anyhoo. Here's a profound thought: if you do something nice for someone else, maybe someone for whom you even have romantic feelings, and said moron, um I mean said person rejects your gesture (because they have their own extremely unresolved feelings of insecurity, self-loathing and just general inadequacy), DO NOT turn their sh*t upon yourself and reject your actions. DO NOT decide that your gift was bad, and thus that you, by extension, are also bad and thus deserved to be rejected. Read my lips: YOU. DO. NOT. (Aw, hell no you do not.)

Another person's issues/fears/general horsesh*t is NOT your problem...thank Jebus. Now...you might want to seriously consider why you're trying to give love to someone who clearly has no love for themselves, not to mention you, but the instinct to care & nurture someone else, is a very normal instinct, dammit. (Yes, I'm cranky.) Every living creature wants to be loved and valued. I write this while feeding The Kitten bits of chicken, by hand, because simply eating it off my plate doesn't make him feel loved. (We rescued a foster cat whom The Kitten generally loves but sometimes he gets worried about his place in my universe.) Therefore, this small orange kitten currently needs to sit on my lap, and eat small pieces from my hand and whine to know that he's loved & adored. Putting aside this human-feline co-dependent relationship (...and your point is...?): doing something caring for someone you love is normal. Desiring love in your life is normal. Last time I checked, it's how the species continues...well, love and a couple of cocktails.

What is NOT normal, what is straight up horsesh*t, my dears, is allowing someone to make you feel bad for being nurturing. Hell with that mess. Anyone who would reject your love is not someone you should be showering it on. Unless they're a cat, and then it's nothing personal: that's just how cats roll.


Want more advice, not necessarily all feline-oriented? Of course you do! Like my Facebook business page, "Carlotaworldwide Creativity Yenta," for a free consultation, and email me @ carlotazee@gmail.com. (I'll be responding with my left hand, since my right is busy feeding someone chicken & nubbins.)

Besos,
C.

The Joys of LinkedIn

I am indeed on LinkedIn, which is both good and bad. It's good for my business, but it's frequently horrific because the evil elves of LinkedIn will, in their desire to be helpful, suggest I reconnect with former boyfriends who wouldn't speak to me if they were under the wheels of my car driving over them. This is going to surprise you, but I am not always the most mature person when it comes to romance. I am not always the easiest person to get along with. I do not always bring happy happy joy joy to the men of America.

I'm leading in with this, because recently LinkedIn tried to get that lovin' feeling going again between me and a certain ex of mine. I'm fairly sure that this particular boy feels something for me more akin to what Hitler felt for his art instructors..so I just sort of chortled, reading LinkedIn's, "Do you know...." Oh, indeed I do. How could I forget the boy who invited his mom to come along on a romantic weekend trip to Graceland. Because truly, adding your mom to my Dirty South adventure is guaranteed spice! Is it hot in here or is it you waking up at 7am to cook your mom breakfast, and yelling at me to be perky...whoo!(My vagina's all, "Blah blah blah, I'm not listening!")

The thing about this particular boy--besides his insanity; besides his lack of humor; besides his assertions that a certain one of my cats was crazy which was all, Hi, Kettle, have you met Pot?--was how much he loathed himself. And thus, by extension, how much he loathed anyone who liked him. Though he was, of course, desperate to be liked. What a tangled web we weave, yes?

He was in the process of getting not one but two doctoral degrees, when I was "dating" him, besides all of his other various degrees and awards. Tall, great figure, handsome...but talk about your own worst enemy. Then again, when you grow up in a family where your father has decided from day one that you're gay, so he never spends any time with you, never even speaks to you; when you grow up in a family in which no one ever tells you they love you, or that they're proud of you, or displays any sort of basic human compassion...well, those types of charming experiences do tend to make things complicated. It's hard to be your own biggest fan when you're raised to despise yourself, and to be ashamed of all that makes you unique. 

He used to frequently talk about his wish to be "normal," by which of course, he meant he simply wanted to be loved and accepted for whom he was. Crazy! His mother, who could only barely grasp how much pain he was in, used to send him all these pamphlets about Jebus loving him, and I wanted to get her in a choke-hold, and scream,"You moron, he doesn't need Jesus, he needs you to for once tell him you love him! For once!" But apparently choke-holding some sense into people is against the law. #horsesh*t

I suppose I bring all this (lurid) back-story up, because when LinkedIn reminded me about him, I found myself genuinely hoping he was happy. (I don't really have to tell you that I was not the best girlfriend for him, since I was dealing with my own value-meal sized issues and did not have tremendous sympathy for anyone else. Oh don't give me that look; at least I'm honest!)  I found myself hoping he had forgiven himself, and given himself the love that he needed and deserved. I also found myself hoping that wherever that healing process was (Allah willing) taking place, it was far FAR away from me and my vagina. Life's too short! We're too busy.

Want some help making your own healing life changes? (We don't have to talk about my personal life. Yes, yes, I promise.) Email me @carlotazee@gmail.com, or like my Facebook page, "Carlotaworldwide Creativity Yenta," for a free consultation!