You Say ‘Opportunistic,’ Like it’s a Bad Thing

That thought came to me recently, as I was trolling through one of the Facebook pages devoted to my college, Wellesley. A recent graduate was looking for professional advice on how to approach an older person in her industry whom she suspected could be an excellent mentor, but she was leery of appearing, in her own words, "opportunistic." Whoa now. When did opportunism become such a bad thing? I must have missed that memo. I honestly believe that opportunism is one of those words that some people use to make women feel bad about being ambitious. Those people are going to have to try a whole lot harder with me.

I mean, if you think networking, researching and all the hard work that goes into creating the (professional) opportunities you need to succeed are bad, well, I suppose you can stay in your job that you probably loathe but took out of fear. *waving* I’ll miss you. (#noiwont). Because listen: I have six-figures of law school debt, a small business to run and two cats who refuse to work. I enjoy eating every day. I’d rather spend this Christmas in Thailand than Queens. I’ve been rich and I’ve been broke as a joke, and last time I checked, rich was better. 

Also, as a feminist and a humanist, I personally want to live in a world wherein every single person has the opportunities they need to educate themselves and ultimately achieve their fullest potential. That’s my fantasy; humor me. Humor me with the idea of a world wherein all people are well-educated, and well-read and bored by the moronic actions of Kim Kardashian's vagina, but instead wake up in the morning, excited to be the change they want in the world. Some of you are reading this thinking, “Okay, hippie, good luck with that.” Thank you! Are there even hippies left, or are they all making their own craft beer in Brooklyn, and naming their (white) children "Havana" and baking vegan biscuits for their dogs. That's a shame.

No,  I’m just a humanist. I want everyone to have the same opportunities to achieve. So you can call me an opportunist, but I prefer to think of it as a refusal to accept your "No," as my personal final answer.

I’ve never understood people who use "opportunist"in a derogatory manner. Who doesn’t want the opportunity to live your truest, most passionate life on a daily basis? Listen, I spent years working in network news, hating myself for having to cut teases of water-skiing squirrels, as “complex” personalities flubbed their live-shots and threw things at me. Between that repressed memory experience and living in Russia and surviving law school, and being engaged twice, I feel like I’m done my time in hell, thanks.  Now I’d like to use my time left on this planet to help people live their fullest, most authentic lives. So if that makes me an opportunist, i.e. a human begin determined to help you figure out your potential and then create a realistic strategy to bring that potential to fruition…? Well, no sweat, America. Just make sure the check clears. 

Want some real help to figure out how to create the opportunities you need? Of course you do, Sunshine! Email me @carlotazee@gmail.com, and like my Facebook page, "Carlotaworldwide Creativity Yenta," for a free consultation. 

Besos,

C.

Dead Letters

Here's what I don't like about blindly sending off resumes and cover letters to job postings online: ...who says anyone is going to read all your hard work? At this point, you'd have more luck as a boy posting on the 'Men Seeking Women' section of Craigslist. (You'd definitely have more luck as a naked female maid seeking um "watchful" employment. Or, so I hear. What would I know about Craigslist and naked women and maids...says I, looking around my clean hovel. Which, for the record I cleaned myself. Wearing dirty sweatpants. #sexy) But, I digest.

I mean, all that work to create a cover letter and resume and then you're going to send it off to what is, essentially, a dead-letter box. Who's going to read it? I say this as someone who worked for two separate networks which had stated company policy of posting jobs online, only AFTER they had been filled internally. The job listings were posted online strictly for legal purposes. I'm not going to list said networks for my own legal purposes, namely, I have no time, today, to be sued. But if at least two companies do that hot mess, you can bet that many other companies do too, which means: Don't waste your time!

I hear you rolling your eyes and preparing to whine at me, "But Carlota, I need a job, since living with my parents is a fate worse than death for all involved." True. So, how do I think you should get this job? Fine, you can start by looking online to find jobs and hiring companies, to see, essentially, what could be out there, then, when you have a couple of places and positions you're interested in, start seeking out the connections to the jobs and companies you're interested in. These connections are the reasons your resumes will actually read. These connections will act as your advocates since they know how the game is played.

To find these connections, ask EVERYONE you know. Yes, go through your Facebook friends--you use those people for everything else, from free drinks to sex, why not give them the benefit of the doubt and try to actually use that network for something positive? Well, something else positive. Also check out Facebook groups of your college and your high school alumni network. My college, Wellesley (Number one women's college in the nation, thanks for asking!), for example, has Facebook pages devoted to alumni by region, by career and a wide range of personal interests, and I'm sure yours does as well. Have you searched out those those pages, and clicked like and seen what issues are being discussed, and who might know of jobs, and might themselves be hiring? Get to work, hippie.

If you're a recent graduate--within say, the past 1-2 years, you should make some time to visit your alumni office, since they might give you some free counseling; they'll probably have a discount or even give you a free (trial) membership in the alumni association, and that's another great place to look for connections to the companies you're interested in. And when I say, "graduate," I mean both undergrad and grad school. If nothing else, reach out to older alumni for informational meetings. Research the alum in question as well as her company--this is where The Google, as senior citizens call it, is very helpful, and while you should bring along a copy of your resume, don't offer it unless specifically asked. People do love to talk about themselves, and if you have a couple of smart questions, well, young person--Oh my god, how I loathe being old!--you will probably go far. You'll go even farther if you at least offer to pay for the coffee you invited your fellow alumni out to drink. Also, join LinkedIn groups, get on alumni mailing lists and never EVER assume you know whom anyone knows, or what value they bring.

Some of you are audibly gagging and thinking, "I loathed everyone in my high school and college and I don't want to spend one damn minute being nice to those people." Listen, hippie: I didn't even go to my damn law school graduation. I was at Graceland with my boyfriend and his mother. (Don't ask. Long story. Such a mistake. But The King's collection of jumpsuits--because apparently, people in the 1970s were too busy for buttons--almost made up for all the hot sex I WAS NOT HAVING, thanks. Almost.) My college graduation was me wearing a garbage bag over my gown, due to the pouring rain, as Nora Ephron nattered on about how hard it was to date or make crap chick flicks or whatever. I wasn't listening. I had to go to that one because my parents were paying. My point being: Why'd you buy the diploma if you're not going to use the perks? That's kind of like going out on a date with Idris Elba and then, as he starts to undress you with his teeth, you say, "Oh wait, I have to go home and watch old episodes of 'Dr. Who.'" Says no woman EVER!

You paid the money, take the ride: All of those connections are waiting to help you and you're applying to dead-letter boxes online? Seriously? Are you trying to irritate me? Listen, I can irritate myself; I'm a native New Yorker. I'm always vaguely furious about something or other. (Except yesterday when I ran into one of my various and miscellaneous ex-mens and he was with a chick who was old, chubby and never gonna be hot. Ahh, suddenly, I was all sweetness and light.)

On that note, if you want a job, and you're not using all of the connections I listed, and letting those connections bring you to more connections. and more connections and eventually a great job..what's the connection? I don't get it. But if you want to get it--and I know you do--email me @carlotazee@gmail.com, and like my Facebook page, "Carlotaworldwide Creativity Yenta," for a free consultation. I promise to be in a wonderful mood. Dammit.

E-Z Networking in 3 Steps!

I tortured coached a client last night, making her present to me her networking pitch over and over and over again till I’m sure now she’s re-thinking her plan to transition her career…or at least to attempt to do so with me. But honestly, she was a trooper, with a great attitude…despite making me feel extremely f**king old when,  in regards to a great anecdote  she told about a Wellesley College internship leading to her present job, she said, “Oh…but I graduated in ’08. God that’s years and years ago.” Eons ago. Now I haz an old.

But she, as I said, had a great attitude and really worked on getting her networking pitch down. It is kind of funny, when you think about it, how much time and energy we spend on perfecting our networking pitches, and trying to appear calm, relaxed and human at these networking events…because really: aren’t we always networking? When we meet friends of friends at a dinner party…or our favorite barista introduces us to another coffee-shop patron and we make smiling small talk about how good her caffeine-concoctions are…or when I see which comedians my friends on Facebook are following, and I start following them myself… or when I ask a stranger in the pharmacy where she got those fantastic bright mauve 4” heel booties, and she gives me detailed instructions on how to find them? All of those incidents are a form of networking, and, more importantly, they’re also forms of human interactions. It’s simply that in some circumstances we allow ourselves to relax, and in others we feel that we must go in and work the room like a mother**ker, thus immediately getting the best job ever… and suddenly, it’s 1am and we’re drunk, realizing that the only stranger we spoke to all night was the bartender. But bartenders need love also, so no worries.

I’m going to a Seven Sisters networking event tonight—primarily to make sure certain clients show up, but also to drink, for once, among people who don’t happen to be 1) orange, 2) or have a tail, 3) or be feline—so here’s my 3 E-Z Hints for Capable Networking:

1.      Let your goals dictate your means. Therefore, if you’re attempting to get a better job within, say, the tech industry, you probably wouldn’t go to a networking event aimed at lawyers. (Not, of course, because lawyers don’t have tremendous social skills and aren’t fun, easy-going welcoming people…snort. No. Not at all.) So in your mind, make a list of what you’re trying to accomplish by said networking, so you plot out strategy aimed at making you, eventually, successful instead of making it up as you go and ending up grumpy. And drunk. #nothating

2.       Be able to introduce yourself and explain what you to do to anyone, even my (cranky) Abuelita Pastora, if she were 1) still alive and 2) cared. Don’t give me that, “Well I work in a very rarefied field” horseshit. #STFU  If you can’t make eye contact, and, with a smile on your face, explain what exactly it is you do…how can you expect anyone else to listen…or care…or consider hiring you? When did we stop teaching social skills and why do I now, again, sound like your grandpa? If you cannot communicate your skills, I’m going to assume you don’t have any. (Or, as my fave theater teacher said, “Perhaps you’ve heard that life isn’t fair.” #whompwhomp) Also, Pumpkin: the people at the top, the people who frequently hire, they usually have no idea what today’s more technical positions entail. (True story: When he was president, Bill Clinton didn’t know how to send emails. Fmr. President George W. Bush couldn’t load music onto his own iPod. His valet had to do it! Why do I still have brain cells devoted to his crap, when I can barely remember the name of the boy I hung out with two weekends ago! …Vincent? Maybe Jake? It’s gone.)

3.       Communicate, don’t lecture! Read people’s body language. Don’t interrupt conversations already on-going, because, last time I checked, that’s probably not going to win you friends in high places. Use a little common-sense and understand that everyone there is pretty much in the same boat as you are: they don’t wish to be there; they’d rather be home, on the sofa, partially-nude, watching “Portlandia,” but, at the same time, they’d like to improve their professional career. So do unto others as you’d have them do unto you: smile. Ask people questions about themselves. If you can help someone, do so…that’ll win you brownie points till the cows come on. And, for the love of Jebus, have some kind of business card to give to people, since writing your info on pieces of paper torn from your wallet does not look as super professional as your might think. Even my Abuelita Pastora would say, “That sh*t no es bueno.” If she was alive today. And if she cared.  #Noandmoreno

Want more E-Z Advice? You know you do! Like my Facebook page, “Carlotaworldwide Creativity Yenta,” for a free 50 minute consultation, or email me at carlotazee@gmail.com!

31Ways2GetItStarted™!: January 23, 2013

Day 23: Use What You Have to Get What You Want!

One reason I gave in and started this business was that, following law school, I needed an income. Irritating, yet true. I seem to have no luck in marrying for money because I can't keep my opinions to myself. Also, when the men tell me to make a Sophie's Choice between the cats and them...well, I mean, the cats think I'm wonderful. Or...at least they don't interrupt.

So,I had all these lovely law loans, and the feds, with all their hang-ups and rules, made it clear that one day I would indeed have to repay that money or do an excellent job of faking my own death,which means faking the cats' deaths, which means forget it. Thus, needing some type of gainful employment, I freelanced for a while in the pit known as TV news. Thus, I had to deal with HR "types," looking at my resume, at the numerous positions I had held in network news, for almost a decade...and saying,"Oh...so you're interested in law news, right? You went to law school..."

No, I was interested in cashing checks, but sure, law news, whatever, fine, I love it. Grrr. What I previously loved about network news was the freedom to try many roles. The way management had encouraged me to learn as many different skills as possible. Now that management had all been replaced and I had to deal with HR people who became distinctly nervous when interacting with humans who had done many different things. They wanted an "understandable" narrative; they got me. #Haha

At that point, I felt somewhat depressed by my resume: was it that bad? Sigh. Let's see: Wellesley College with Latin honors, juris doctorate from IU School of Law, extended experience in network news in Russia, NY and Washington, D.C., produced playwright at age 17, legal internship with Sen. Clinton. You're right: pretty mediocre. Pretty average. 

Finally, I stopped trying to justify my layered experience to other people, and instead used the skills I had gleaned from various disciplines to help myself, and, by extension, others. And things started coming together. All the experience made sense. I used the skills and experience I already had to create the business I wanted. I stopped trying to adhere to other people's standards of what was a "normal' career. They didn't want normal, they wanted conformity.

You have a choice: you can choose to accept and be grateful for all that you've achieved, and build on that...or try to constantly match up to other people's bullshit standards. Ugh, that makes me cranky just thinking about it. While those HR geniuses were "majoring" in "business travel," at some third-rate cow college and trying to figure out how to make a career of dressing badly, I was earning my network experience in Moscow, at the Kremlin, and then at the White House briefing room. (#meowmeowmeow...meow.)

 Want some help in figuring out how to use all your unique skills and experience to create the unique life you desire? Email me @carlotazee@gmail.com, or holla at me in the comments.

 

31Ways2GetItStarted™!: January 13, 2013

Day 13: Don't Worry About What Other People Think.

Otherwise known as, don’t waste time trying to be cool. Because honestly all the cool kids are boring.  Because if you’re worried about being cool, I guarantee that you’re not engaged in the messy, irritating, exhausting, wonderful, terrifying, liberating process that is changing your life and achieving your goals. If you’re worried about cool, all you can do is worry about being cool. Which is way uncool...right? 

True story: when I spent my junior year of Wellesley College in Russia, I simply could not, at first, improve my Russian. I sounded like a very "special" toddler. All because I was so embarrassed to use my Russian, and make mistakes in public. I was mortified to make mistakes. So I hung around Russians who wanted to improve their English, and for f**k’s sake, here I’ve been living in Petrozavdodsk for 6 months, and I still can’t figure out how to say “laundry” in Russian. #FAIL! Eventually I said, “Screw this,” and resolved to do whatever it took to master Russian.

Yes indeedy: I sounded pretty pathetic for a significant period. How much fun was it to have people giggle at my accent/horrible grammar etc.? Oh, so much fun.  And then—I’ll never forget this—I was at a party (…listen, it’s -20 degrees, there’s not much heat or hot water, and we had sunlight for about 2 hours a day. Yeah, you’d be drinking vodka with friends and celebrating that it’s Tuesday, also!), and a friend told a joke. In Russian. And I understood the joke as she told it. I laughed as she told the punchline, NOT 5 minutes later as I mentally translated the joke, because...I got the joke in Russian.  If you haven’t gone fully “native” in a foreign country and endured a long period of waking up exhausted and going to bed exhausted as you try to do basic errands, due to the complexity of the language and the culture baffling you…well, you probably won’t know what it means to have that “gotcha” minute. But I’ll never forget it. I had made that decision to speak Russian, and “suddenly” here I was, at a party, laughing at wonderfully malicious jokes and drinking moonshine: ahh, life was good.

But the Americans who wanted to stay cool? Those were the people who could barely say “hello” in Russian.  And how uncool is it to live in a foreign country for years and never be able to speak the language? #Losers! (I worked with a correspondent who would read passionately the history of other countries, even as he was living in Moscow, with it's centuries of world-altering history. And all he could talk about was the "peasantry" of Russia and how they had no culture worth bothering about. Really. Interesting. Oh, what's that you say? This genius of history's TV career is now over? Even with a face that was made for radio? Oh, what a shame. PUNK!)

Grumpy. People who put Russia down make me a wee bit grumpy. That is true.  Also stupid people. Also, stupid TV correspondents but that's redundant.

Anyhoo. Today is Sunday and it's Sunday all day! Take a break, put your feet up, have a drink. Eat something fried. Shower with a friend…or two. (Baby, it’s cold out there!) Because come Monday morning, you’re going to get right back to the uncool labor of changing your life. Which is kind funny, because when it works out, all your friends are going to be thinking,” Damn, how cool is that?!” 

 

Want some help achieving those super cool goals? Email me @carlotazee@gmail.com, or give me a shout-out in the comments!

Crazy Like a FNC

If you know anything about me, you know that I spent a number of years toiling in the trenches of TV news. I worked for almost every network in Moscow, New York and Washington, D.C. I met President Clinton,
had phones and other assorted items thrown at me and I made some writers cry...but it wasn't all good times.  There were indeed some very, very bad times when I thought, "This...this is why I went to Wellesley?" 'This' usually being busting my ass to get an affiliate in Oklahoma, for example, to send us a link to their 'copter covering some live, out-of-control car chase, which would then get double-boxed with a speech by President Bush...with Bush, naturally, getting the smaller box. Priorities. Sometimes 'this' was having to explain to a producer who Joe DiMaggio was or that yes, Alaska was actually a state. Sometimes 'this' was having to attend press conferences on Capitol Hill because certain (cough cough) "reporters" were too busy having makeup spray-painted over their faces. Memories!
Anyhoo. I'm bringing this up since yesterday there was all this drama about the FNC employee, working as a  mole for Gawker, who was outed and then fired. So yes, I have worked for FNC. (Oh, you all lost respect for me? Ha. Can't lose what you don't have right? See what I did there?) Therefore, when the news of this mole came out, a ton of friends sent me emails, or posted links on my Facebook wall, like, "ZOMG, can you believe it?" Meh. Listen, I'm the last b*tch on the planet to defend the Death Star that is FNC...but I personally don't have a ton of sympathy for the 'Fox Mole.' (I did secretly hope the Mole was a certain person, in the hopes that this person would get fired and I could cackle with glee, since that's the kind of sensitive, caring girl I am.)
Back to the Mole.Whatever he thought of Fox, however shitty his experience...they did pay him, and give him benefits etc. to toil there, yes? And by writing these 'exposes'...what message does that give? Well, I certainly wouldn't hire this guy to work for me, since he's already demonstrated that he's only looking out for one person. He worked for FNC for a number of years...if he loathed it so much, fine, be a big boy and leave...like the rest of us. By staying, and talking smack--and brilliantly leaving a digital trail--he showed that he wasn't emotionally invested in FNC.
Some of you are rolling your eyes, like, "Carlota, say what!? Was he supposed to give FNC a promise ring, and swear he'd stop cheating?" Well...kinda. Think of it from the company's POV: they employ you, they pay you...and this is how you're going to pay them back, by airing out all their dirty laundry?
Not to mention, what message does to send to future employers? I wouldn't hire this guy to be my assistant, since I'd be thinking, "You talked smack about FOX...what would you say about me?" And I'm no fan of FNC!
I know, I know, you hippies, we do have freedom of speech and other rights, like the freedom to wear unfortunate jeans in this country...don't remind me. But now the Mole is unemployed...and hundreds of thousands of other people haven't stopped sending in their resumes to work at FNC.
And if you're ready to find a job you can emotionally invest in, email me @ carlotazee@gmail.com!

Fast Times at Benjamin N. Cardozo High

Last night I went into the depths of Queens--and since I live in blue-collar, anti-hipster Woodside, you know I went deep into the belly of the beast that is Queens--to represent Wellesley College at a college fair at Benjamin N. Cardozo High (...respect!). It was pretty much an awesome night, and not just because boys would come into my room to take a Wellesley brochure, and I'd sweetly say, "Guys, Wellesley is a women's college," and they would take fright and flee. Flee with this expression of horrified panic, as if I'd wanted them to listen to poetry about my menstrual cycle and sing along to Ani DiFranco. That part was hilarious.
But the incredible part was meeting these young women, who were already really excited about possibly attending Wellesley, and talking with them about what college meant to them, and all the things they were currently doing. They were all athletes, or spoke Chinese or Arabic or Russian or Thai, or volunteering, or generally working to find a cure for cancer. They'd tell me that they were in the 96 percentile GPA, and spoke Hindi, Farsi and Swedish, and ran track and then say, "But wow, if you got into Wellesley, you must have been really amazing right?" Um.
Okay, I'm going to be honest here and say that while I did attend an excellent high school, and had excellent grades--or evaluations, since we didn't have grades, cough rich hippies cough--and did have a play on off-Broadway when I was 18...I also spent a great deal of time in high school, hanging out, reading old issues of Mad Magazine, walking my dog and talking with my friends. I did, it is true, read voraciously, about 3 books a week, but it was random, everything from Portnoy's Complaint to Chekhov to Ionesco. I also spent a lot of time day-dreaming and whining. (I did not, however, feel the need to let the kids in on that.)
I don't usually spend a great deal of time around teenagers, so right here and now I am going to publicly apologize for my more unpleasant assumptions about them: you know, that they all have ridiculous taste in music, clothing; that they're all a pain in the ass, etc. I was wrong! I'm starting to suspect that I was judging them based on how I was as a teenager: sullen, cranky, wearing loafers, listening to Richard Marx. (Oh my.)
These kids were pretty incredible: dedicated, smart, multi-lingual, ambitious, well-spoken, charming and so inspiring. And it didn't hurt that most of them thought I had only graduated college a few years ago: love that!
I left there after three hours; I was exhausted, but given all the nattering nabobs of negativity we hear in the news, all those idiot Kardashians, etc., it was like a breath of fresh, spring air to meet these passionate, involved, articulate, super-smart kids. I kind of needed that...which is sort of funny, right? I went there to share with those students something that meant a great deal to me--my college experience--and they shared with me something much more important.