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Monday, July 22, 2013

The Elements of Gibberish

I know, dear hearts, I know: to some of you, playing along at home, it might appear that since my blogging has dropped off dramatically, I've probably given up on this business and am hiring myself out as a mail-order sister-wife and/or cat-wrangler. While those are, certainly, two tempting offers, let's be honest: 1) I can barely wrangle my own cats and 2) Being a sister-wife makes me think of the worst womyn's studies class ever, with all of us getting our period at the same time and somebody playing Ani DiFranco and no me gusta. Head-wife or nothing.

No. I haven't been blogging because actually this business has been going into over-drive, and also I hired a website designer I adore so, fingers crossed, this September 2013, I'm going to have a brand new beautiful website as this business continues to take over the world help people. #samedifference

Almost as important as hiring a website designer, I hired a talented woman to proofread (and not, hopefully, revenge edit...) my website text, because while spelling is, usually, my thing, my relationship with grammar can be sketchy at best. Grammar and I are kind of only sexting each other; we're not ready to commit. Our status is complicated.

And recently, while reading someone's Tumblr account and realizing I needed a Gibberish-to-English translating app, I was reminded of how excruciating painful it is WHEN PEOPLE WHO CANNOT WRITE WON'T SHUT THE HELL UP. By "cannot write," I don't mean 50 Shades of Grey. No, I mean people who, I presume, think they're writing phonetically but only if their native language is that sound snake-handlers make when they go into a trance. And honestly, considering some of the hot mess I've been witness to, that's truly an insult to snake-handlers everywhere.

I have to assume that most of these people generally don't read. And thus, they don't care. Since they don't read, they don't re-read their own text before posting it and think, "Whoa, did a frustrated demon writing his thesis just take over my mind? What the hell...?" No, stupid people never second-guess themselves, please!  Instead, because they don't read and thus have no standard of knowledge, they smugly post these manifestos, proud of themselves for generously sharing their humble gift with the rest of us. These are the people who, when I consider trying to gently let them in on the secret, demonstrate such pride in their stupidity, and such poorly-disguised contempt for me that I think, "Meh, knock yourself out. Kerouac also hated grammar, spelling, Jews, sobriety... and he did okay...for a while."

 It's like people who don't speak Chinese, or read Chinese, or aren't even really sure what the Chinese language is...but who get those Chinese tattoos. Tattoos that the artist assures them means, "Longevity," or "Bravery," but, I'm convinced, truly translates as "Equity" or "Mortgage Payment." But since these people can't read Chinese, they don't know! 

Anyhoo, all of that rant to say, I hired someone to check my spelling and grammar, so that future clients looking at my soon-to-debut website, will be laughing WITH me, not thinking,"Oh that poor girl. Hmm, maybe single-sex education really is a waste of money." (Spoiler Alert: Ohhhh, I know you did not just say that, punk.)

If the above made you chortle, and now you're thinking that I'd be an excellent choice to help you figure out your professional goals and the realistic strategy to start achieving those goals me, and like my Facebook page, "Carlotaworldwide Creativity Yenta," for a free consultation. It's never too late to get started on creating a life you love!


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