Still truly impressed by a dear friend who is so determined to be happy, to be fulfilled, that, in the midst of a difficult personal situation, she forced herself to reflect upon her actions in order to understand and then break the rigid, suffocating patterns, which were getting in her way. She's beginning to understand that these patterns are only keeping her locked in the past and unhappy. Who wants to waste time punishing others when you're the one who ends up, emotionally at least, in the naughty corner?
If that doesn't seem like a big deal to you--a person actually taking responsibility for their unhappiness, and then taking action to bring about positive change--I assume you're either a pod-person (#jealous!), or you think happiness is overrated. Alas.
Since I'd hardly suggest I'm the happiest-f**king-go-lucky person ever... maybe that's why I have such respect for people who take action and responsibility, and are determined to enjoy their lives today...not make excuses about how everything that sucks is someone else's fault. Because while that may seem easy for a while, at the end, it's hard to truly live when your whole life is one big excuse.

Anyway, this is just a note to an awesome friend...she knows who she is, in all respects!

Being Interesting

I probably shouldn't even be blogging today, since I am cranky beyond human belief...but "articles" like this ain't exactly helping me to be all warm and fuzzy: http://www.forbes.com/sites/jessicahagy/2011/11/30/how-to-be-interesting/

Really? (Said in aggrieved, snotty, Wendy Wellesley suburban "white girl" voice.) People need to read a tedious article to figure out how to be interesting? Then again, I just saw, courtesy of Page Six, that Snooki has apps on her smartphone--pity the smartphone which has to put up with being manhandled by that trash-- to help her navigate her pregnancy so...why exactly am I outraged by how lazy our society has become? Why does any of this appall me? Probably because there are going to be lost souls out there, seriously reading that article and thinking, "Hmm, do something...well, I do things all the time! I must be like fascinating!"

So here I am, losing what's left of my sh*t over moronic drivel like this...and over at The Hague, Ratko Mladic, up to his neck in blood and crimes against humanity, sits smirking, mocking his victims, knowing that the worst he'll get is life. Remember Srebrenica? Remember the rape camps? Remember the mass murders and their mass graves? Mr. Mladic will likely enjoy his life sentence in a prison, wherein his standard of living will be as high, if not higher, than millions of people around the world.

And I have no doubt that many people would consider him, a very interesting guy...

The Wisdom of Skank Heels

One of the many wonderful things about being self-employed is that, on a day like today, when I'm working from home, and meeting with clients on Skype, or over the phone, I can dress like a bum casually. Oh, relax: I look fine...from the waist up. When I'm meeting with humans in person, I save us both shame and dress like an adult. Of course, to do that, to look like a professional, adult woman...I shop at websites aimed at teenagers. (#dontjudgeme.)
And on one of those websites, I found these shoes: (http://store.alloy.com/item.do?categoryID=&itemID=55207). Listen. I'm self-employed. As long as the client knows that I know what the hell I'm doing, I can get away with wearing inappropriate heels. (Did I mention the feathers? I'm Latina, for f**k's sake! The Kitten, btw, also likes the feathers.) In fact, I have no doubt that most of my clients would prefer skank heels to seeing me in Birkenstocks. (True story: I can tell when my dates are falling for me, because they actually find me in Birkenstocks adorable, instead of making them remember another appointment they have. An appointment far, far away from me and my comfy feets. That, and they start sending me links to news about cats and photos of baby kittens...strong with the force my vagina is.)
But, here's the point: I'm self-employed, so as long as I don't look redonkulous, I can (kinda) wear whatever I want. (Kinda.) If you read the description on the above shoes, you'll see that some girls said they were appropriate for, I swear to Allah..."church." Seriously? It is true that I dropped out of Hebrew school, and that I haven't been to church for quite a while but...seriously?  Unless this a "church" wherein people are drinking Kool-Aid, engaging in free love and toasting the wit and wisdom of Rev. Jim Jones...I'm highly skeptical that 4" platform heels with feathers are appropriate to church. 
So if you, like me, sometimes like to dress to make your not-so-inner skank happy...that's fine. Accept yourself. Love the one you're with.  But save your party girl shoes and micro-minis for where they belong--some hot boy's bedroom's floor--and wear your sensible (doesn't mean boring) flats to church or the office.  Got more questions about trashy-but-fun shoes or hints regarding websites selling sleazy clothing for me to check out? Email me @carlotazee@gmail.com!

What I Do, Part Deux

People, people with wonderful intentions, frequently contact me on behalf of their spouse/boyfriend/roommate/BFF/babymama, saying, "I love you! I need to hire you to kick someone's ass! Yes! Let's do this!" And then...*crickets.* The person in question either never contacts me, or does so in such a half-assed way as to clearly demonstrate that they're doing this to stop the onslaught of nagging. 
Listen, what I do isn't witchcraft. It's very simple: the more time, effort and energy you put into doing what I advise you, the more results you get out. But it depends on you, the client. I can keep you motivated, I can keep you on track, I can give you creative and exciting ideas...but you're the one who has to put the changes into motion. (#vomitalert) You, the client, have to be hungry for it. I can't, and won't, chase you. I can't beg you to do the work to help yourself. I am, thank god, not your mom...but if I were, I'd be MILF, huh? (#gross)
So to all the people thinking I can solve their friend's problems, even as said friend is "dubious"...what you want is pretty much irrelevant. You're not the one who'll have to do the hard work. So you can tell your BFF that you're not going to listen to their bitching anymore, since s/he didn't take the help offered, and that they need to STFU...but free will is a funny thing, right?
Because I'm the tough love Creativity Yenta, remember. I'll be honest with you. I'm here to help you make serious lasting changes which will positively impact your whole life. Not like those irritating coaches who give you some bogus personality test they got off the Interwebs, and then seriously suggest you become a probation officer, like it's a good idea... and you realize you gave $500 to a person whom you wouldn't hire to teach your cats to use the litter box. I'm actually trying to help people, not offend their intelligence.
I'm here to motivate you, the client, to understand your potential, your choices, your possibilities..but motivate doesn't mean I'm responsible for your happiness. (Again: free will.) My policy is to give clients the skills and the mental outlook so that they eventually will be able to help themselves...kind of like another charismatic, melodramatic Jew you might have heard of...a carpenter. (See what I did there? #ikillmyself!)

My Bullet Points to the Graduates

Let's be honest: I don't have it in me to give any speeches right now, so bullet points are going to have to do. Also, I "missed" my law school graduation. I went to Graceland with my then-boyfriend, for what was supposed to be a delightful weekend of debauchery and BBQ...until he invited his mother along and not so much. On the other hand, Graceland was awesome. Made me proud to be an American.

So, Graduates, here's my two bullet points:

•  Make mistakes. 
•  Forgive yourself. 

Because, in a nutshell, if you don't mistakes--and learn from them--you won't learn anything from life, and you won't achieve anything, since you'll be so afraid of making a mistake that you'll do nothing. Or, even worse, you'll keep making the same mistake and end up trapped, wondering, "Wtf happened to my life?" That is not a sexy place to be in. Gets exhausting really fast.

True story: I've had the idea for this business since 1999, if not before. But at the time, I was living the "glamorous" lifestyle of TV news, making bank...couldn't give that up, right? Then, I went to law school, got into a lot of debt, and some other first world mishigas happened before I finally got the courage to start this business.
And here's the moral of that story: had I not gone to law school, but instead started this business in 2004...it would have been horrible. Oh, it would have been atrocious. I had never failed at anything at that time in my life, so I had no true understanding of what clients needed to hear from a coach. My "advice" would have made clients sucker punch me: "Oh, you got fired...gawd, you must suck, who gets fired...ow!"

Instead, starting this business after law school, after I had learned humility the hardest way, means that now when my clients confess their fears, their heartaches, their deepest, darkest secrets to me...1) I've heard it all before and 2) I know exactly where they're coming from. And that's why I can help people! (Though invariably the clients are somewhat disappointed that I'm not shocked, shocked and outraged.)

Which leads me to point two: forgive yourself. You've read my blog, you've seen my pictures: I'm not crunchy. If anything, I'm the anti-crunchy. But learning to forgive yourself for your mistakes, your bad choices, your fears, and your pain is not about being crunchy...it's not even an option. It's about understanding that you're not the worst person ever, that you don't deserve to be miserable so how about you stop constantly sabotaging yourself and go about creating some positive change in your life, goddammit, before I lose what's left of my mind?

Also, how could you be the worst person in the world? That status is reserved for the men who used to come into my bar when I was still bartending, and "flirt" with me, while drinking, I swear, Sex on the Beach, or some other super macho drink...and not tip. And cat-abusers. And chubby hetero boys who wear skinny jeans. So, trust me, you've got a lot of competition before you receive the "Worst Person in the World" tiara.

Therefore, in the meantime: why not live your life? Why not be grateful for the mistakes you made that led you here to this moment, and forgive yourself for the stuff you can't change? #justsayin'

Random

It's May. I have indeed been remiss about posting. On the other hand, I have been helping people. (And no, not just cute mens...gawd.) But yes, I need to get back on the blogging pony.

Therefore, a few random thoughts that will eventually be expanded into various insightful, amusing blog posts...just not, you know, today.

If you have an internship for this summer, that's awesome...but don't assume it'll be useful in your future job hunt and/or career, unless you actually work hard, learn some skills and impress your supervisors with your punctuality, office etiquette and willingness to work hard. As opposed to impressing your supervisors with, say, your commitment to Facebook. Getting the internship is only half the job. You need to leave that internship with supervisors who think you're a rawk star and would happily put their reputations on the line, recommending you to others. I'm not talking about a (meaningless) letter of recommendation, but a supervisor whom future prospective employers can call, and he or she will happily sing your praises. This is harder than it looks.

If you're trying something new and difficult, but you love it and it makes you feel alive...you truly have to suck it up and commit. It will get easier. I speak from experience. It will eventually become addicting. Eventually. Therefore, ignore the haters, the doubters and the (totally expected) pit of fear in your stomach and just commit to the bit, as people in improv comedy say. Those people didn't start out funny--many, including my ex, still aren't funny...ha!--but they committed to something better than watching adultswim.com all day, right? If you keep giving up on things in this life, what do you end up with? Exactly.

If I go out with you, and you're not the smartest boy in your own seat, it'll be better for both of us (i.e. me and certain crucial parts of my anatomy), if you just shut up and stop elaborately demonstrating your ignorance.

What I Do

I know that some of you--my parents, included—are wondering what exactly it is I do all day. Besides flirting. And giving The Kitten nubbins....otherwise known as, The Bad Touch.

Good question! Let’s say you’ve just lost your job, and it’s been a while since you’ve had to network, and show your resume around, etc., and you don’t even know what kind of job you want, never mind how to find it and you’re inwardly about  three seconds away from giving up, dropping out and starting life over again following a Phish tribute band. Okay. Don’t freak out. It won’t help and you’ll just wind up exhausted.

(And if you're going to follow a tribute band, make it a hardcore band your friends won't laugh at...go big or go home, baby.)

Now, you could go to one of those resume services, those services “guaranteeing”  to write you a resume and cover which will get you interviews…You could, but of course, you have no idea what kind of “guaranteed” interviews you’ll get, and whether or not said interviews will be relevant to your skills and experience. Who knows if those interviews will even be for real jobs? And since an interview doesn’t necessarily mean a job…oh well.

So, you could go to a resume service…or you could come to me. I’ll help you focus your resume and your LinkedIn profile; we'll clean up your social media presence and get you organized. Then, based on what you tell me, on your experience and your personality, I’ll create a personalized strategy for you, showing you, step-by-step, from start to finish, exactly how to use the contacts, experience and education you currently have to position yourself to get the job you want. (Tah-dah!) Sound too good to be true? Nah. I do it all the time. I did it for myself in my twenties, when I started with a degree in history and ended up with a TV career, which took me through Russia, D.C. and NYC, and all the top networks. I did it to sell my new play. It's how I roll, son. (#wellesleygangsta.)  

Interested? Of course you are! (Many people also find me very funny. Even some people who aren't trying to undress me.) So email me @ carlotazee@gmail.com!