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Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Adventures in Advertising

I was on LinkedIn yesterday evening...ugh, that's a shameful truth to admit in public! Better to say, I was out "wilding" in Central Park, or watching photos of chubby yet downcast Mitt Romney supporters on election night...good times! But no; I'm committed to the truth. That is my curse. Thus: I was on LinkedIn last night, and I happened to notice a friend's profile headline in which she described herself with some extremely left-handed "complimentary" terms. Sigh.

Maybe you people haven't noticed this little delicious detail, but in our society there's plenty of people, droves of people in fact, who will happily tell you everything about yourself that they want you to be ashamed of, from the color of your skin, to whom you sleep with, to how you're not that hot, so get over yourself. There's so many of those lovely souls, right? So why should you help them diminish all that you are by describing yourself as "geeky" or saying, "I don't know what I want to be when I grow up" or "lifestyle coach." Spoiler alert: YOU SHOULD NOT.  Also, seriously: WTF is a "lifestyle coach"? Do you coach people on where best to place their sofa, so as to get the best view of their TVs? Shut up, hippie, wash that Patchouli stench off and get a real job. (I know, some people just raised an eyebrow at that, thinking, "Um...Creativity Yenta? Hello pot, may I introduce you to kettle?" Yeah, may I introduce you to this headlock. That's what I thought, punk. #notplaying)

Last time I checked, 'geeky' just means you're smart, so why don't you own that sh*t and create a headline which says, "I'm smart," and not "Please be nice to me, please love me!" In fact, why don't you just love yourself and give yourself the affirmation that matters most so that you can own your sh*t. Why, indeed. Also, successful advertising means selling people an idealized portrayal of what they want to achieve...not what they are...n'est pas? And if you don't get that LinkedIn, like everything else that humans do, is about advertising...are you a Luddite? Don't you have some butter to churn.

You probably went to a decent school, you got good grades, you're smart--if you're reading this blog, and using my advice, you're brilliant...high-five!--so why don't you tell the haters to shove it, and celebrate yourself! If, for no other reason, consider it from the POV of the hiring personnel at any good company: they want to hire people who are going to bring great ideas, great energy, great passion into the workforce! If you're already diminishing, how exactly are you going to convince someone you should get your dream job? Heck, are you going to convince yourself? (You HAVE to convince yourself first so you can do the work necessary.) And any company who doesn't want passionate people...why would you want to work in that cesspool? I say this, by the way, as someone who slaved in TV news for almost a decade, working at some places which would have made the Khmer Rouge's Killing Fields seem like a weekend retreat, except that Pol Pot was better at generating good morale.

Don't even get me started on those people who have crappy photos or, worse, no photo. That just makes me want to, a la Lindsay Hohan, start drinking, right now, from a water bottle full of vodka. (Okay, so she did some crap movies...but when it comes to booze, my girl's no slouch, right? And people say nothing good comes out of Lawn Guyland...) I refuse to believe anyone is that damn hideous that they can't go to Sephora for a free express 15 minute makeover (free, b*tches!) and have someone who likes you take approximately 5 or 600 photos till you get one that makes you want to take yourself home, dim the lights, put some Marvin Gaye on...and get to third base with yourself.

Here's the thing: if your profile boasts a photo of  yourself which makes you look as fine as a ticket on a dash, you are going to be proud of that profile. Which means you're going to spend time writing and re-writing that profile. Which means you're going to end up with a profile you're proud of, which intrigues other people, which leads to you being able to network efficiently, which EVENTUALLY leads to you being CEO of you aaaand you're welcome. I take all forms of currency: US dollars and plastic. Don't even try to barter services, son: I graduated from Wellesley, not Oberlin.

No profile photo or a crappy profile photo means, once again, you're ashamed and disgusted with yourself, so you don't bother to promote yourself, which means why should someone else give you a better job? Even you don't believe you could do it. Ugh just typing those words makes me cranky so do me a favor and doll yourself up, put on a great outfit, maybe even have a shot of vodka and take as many damn photos as necessary till you get one which makes you think,"...Where the f**k have I been all my life??" (Some people reading this are thinking, "Um, 'have a shot?' Yeah, that's super professional advice, Carlota." Thanks, that's what your mom thought, too. Remember that bit earlier in which I indicated that I was not playing, son? That sh*t is for reals. I'm here to get every single person on this planet achieving their highest potential, so you can strap in or get out of my way.)

Now I'm tired, and I still have clients to nag, um I meant encourage. Right. Sure. Want some more guidance? Of course you do! Email me @, and like my Facebook page, "Carlotaworldwide Creativity Yenta," for a free consultation!

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