Dead Letters

Here's what I don't like about blindly sending off resumes and cover letters to job postings online: ...who says anyone is going to read all your hard work? At this point, you'd have more luck as a boy posting on the 'Men Seeking Women' section of Craigslist. (You'd definitely have more luck as a naked female maid seeking um "watchful" employment. Or, so I hear. What would I know about Craigslist and naked women and maids...says I, looking around my clean hovel. Which, for the record I cleaned myself. Wearing dirty sweatpants. #sexy) But, I digest.

I mean, all that work to create a cover letter and resume and then you're going to send it off to what is, essentially, a dead-letter box. Who's going to read it? I say this as someone who worked for two separate networks which had stated company policy of posting jobs online, only AFTER they had been filled internally. The job listings were posted online strictly for legal purposes. I'm not going to list said networks for my own legal purposes, namely, I have no time, today, to be sued. But if at least two companies do that hot mess, you can bet that many other companies do too, which means: Don't waste your time!

I hear you rolling your eyes and preparing to whine at me, "But Carlota, I need a job, since living with my parents is a fate worse than death for all involved." True. So, how do I think you should get this job? Fine, you can start by looking online to find jobs and hiring companies, to see, essentially, what could be out there, then, when you have a couple of places and positions you're interested in, start seeking out the connections to the jobs and companies you're interested in. These connections are the reasons your resumes will actually read. These connections will act as your advocates since they know how the game is played.

To find these connections, ask EVERYONE you know. Yes, go through your Facebook friends--you use those people for everything else, from free drinks to sex, why not give them the benefit of the doubt and try to actually use that network for something positive? Well, something else positive. Also check out Facebook groups of your college and your high school alumni network. My college, Wellesley (Number one women's college in the nation, thanks for asking!), for example, has Facebook pages devoted to alumni by region, by career and a wide range of personal interests, and I'm sure yours does as well. Have you searched out those those pages, and clicked like and seen what issues are being discussed, and who might know of jobs, and might themselves be hiring? Get to work, hippie.

If you're a recent graduate--within say, the past 1-2 years, you should make some time to visit your alumni office, since they might give you some free counseling; they'll probably have a discount or even give you a free (trial) membership in the alumni association, and that's another great place to look for connections to the companies you're interested in. And when I say, "graduate," I mean both undergrad and grad school. If nothing else, reach out to older alumni for informational meetings. Research the alum in question as well as her company--this is where The Google, as senior citizens call it, is very helpful, and while you should bring along a copy of your resume, don't offer it unless specifically asked. People do love to talk about themselves, and if you have a couple of smart questions, well, young person--Oh my god, how I loathe being old!--you will probably go far. You'll go even farther if you at least offer to pay for the coffee you invited your fellow alumni out to drink. Also, join LinkedIn groups, get on alumni mailing lists and never EVER assume you know whom anyone knows, or what value they bring.

Some of you are audibly gagging and thinking, "I loathed everyone in my high school and college and I don't want to spend one damn minute being nice to those people." Listen, hippie: I didn't even go to my damn law school graduation. I was at Graceland with my boyfriend and his mother. (Don't ask. Long story. Such a mistake. But The King's collection of jumpsuits--because apparently, people in the 1970s were too busy for buttons--almost made up for all the hot sex I WAS NOT HAVING, thanks. Almost.) My college graduation was me wearing a garbage bag over my gown, due to the pouring rain, as Nora Ephron nattered on about how hard it was to date or make crap chick flicks or whatever. I wasn't listening. I had to go to that one because my parents were paying. My point being: Why'd you buy the diploma if you're not going to use the perks? That's kind of like going out on a date with Idris Elba and then, as he starts to undress you with his teeth, you say, "Oh wait, I have to go home and watch old episodes of 'Dr. Who.'" Says no woman EVER!

You paid the money, take the ride: All of those connections are waiting to help you and you're applying to dead-letter boxes online? Seriously? Are you trying to irritate me? Listen, I can irritate myself; I'm a native New Yorker. I'm always vaguely furious about something or other. (Except yesterday when I ran into one of my various and miscellaneous ex-mens and he was with a chick who was old, chubby and never gonna be hot. Ahh, suddenly, I was all sweetness and light.)

On that note, if you want a job, and you're not using all of the connections I listed, and letting those connections bring you to more connections. and more connections and eventually a great job..what's the connection? I don't get it. But if you want to get it--and I know you do--email me @carlotazee@gmail.com, and like my Facebook page, "Carlotaworldwide Creativity Yenta," for a free consultation. I promise to be in a wonderful mood. Dammit.