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Friday, May 3, 2013

Talking Points

I'm going to rant, briefly, about resumes, but first and foremost: how exactly do people with small children at home get any work done? What is their secret! I have two cats who are so all up in my grill constantly that it's like they're trying to get to third base with me. I'm considering hiring them a nanny or, even better for me, a Manny (male nanny) to play with them, and give them the constant attention they crave so I can actually get some work done. My other alternative is to sell them to train pitbulls. Or, even train Pitbull. Which experience would be more irritating to The Kitten, I wonder? Probably working with Pitbull, since he dislikes stupid song lyrics.

But, I digest. Here's my rant.

Your resume must absolutely be focused, and appropriate to the industry, and specifically the job you're applying for. Hiring managers are not generally known for their imagination and/or joie de vivre, so if you're trying to work in, finance, per se, that resume must be relevant and valuable to the financial industry. No one wants to know that you played in a Phish cover band. I certainly don't. I have enough of my own issues. Some irritated hippie is all, "Dewd, whatever: interviewers love to ask about that! It gives us stuff to talk about."

"Stuff to talk about"...on that one and only interview? Okay, bro. The only "stuff" you want to be talking about is your passion, and commitment and ideas regarding the job you're applying to. Otherwise, sorry, Sunshine: it's filler. They're being nice to fill out the minimum amount of time they have to continue talking with you, and then you're gone and that resume is going in the burn pile. 

If you've ever had a successful interview, you can tell when things are going your way because they start introducing you to more and more people, and asking you more and more questions about your (relevant) experience, and the energy is flowing. And pretty soon, someone's asking what you're doing for the rest of the afternoon, and how do you like your coffee, and when could you start. (True story: my first day at a certain notorious network, the person who was supposed to "train" me was out I just did his job. Remember: this is TV, not brain surgery. At the end of the day, my manager said, "Hey, weren't we supposed to be training you today? Oh, f**k it, you did a better job than that idiot. You're hired!" That's what I miss about TV news: the sensitivity. The people skills. The compassion.)

Once you're hired, fine, brag--I guess--about Phish or playing the recorder, or speaking Pig Latin. (Someone, somewhere, just read that and is texting their boyfriend, "You jerk, I KNEW I should have left that language on my resume. I HATE YOU!") I was forced to play the recorder as a child. Apparently, we live in a world in which it's legal to listen to DooWop and forcing your child to play duets with you on the recorder isn't regarded as cruel and unusual punishment. Amazing. But hey, I don't bring that sh*t up, unless I've had a lot of gin and am at the "You don't respect me!" part of the night. Which usually ends with the walk of shame and then everybody wins! #gross

My point being, when you're presenting well, you won't need to worry about stuff to talk about! You'll be talking about salaries, benefits, how the office works: you'll be talking about the job you're getting! You're going on a job interview, not an awkward first date.

Want some help tweaking that resume so that you shine like a dime? #OhhellyesIdid! Email me, and like my Facebook page, "Carlotaworldwide Creativity Yenta," for a free consultation.

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