E-Z Networking in 3 Steps!

I tortured coached a client last night, making her present to me her networking pitch over and over and over again till I’m sure now she’s re-thinking her plan to transition her career…or at least to attempt to do so with me. But honestly, she was a trooper, with a great attitude…despite making me feel extremely f**king old when,  in regards to a great anecdote  she told about a Wellesley College internship leading to her present job, she said, “Oh…but I graduated in ’08. God that’s years and years ago.” Eons ago. Now I haz an old.

But she, as I said, had a great attitude and really worked on getting her networking pitch down. It is kind of funny, when you think about it, how much time and energy we spend on perfecting our networking pitches, and trying to appear calm, relaxed and human at these networking events…because really: aren’t we always networking? When we meet friends of friends at a dinner party…or our favorite barista introduces us to another coffee-shop patron and we make smiling small talk about how good her caffeine-concoctions are…or when I see which comedians my friends on Facebook are following, and I start following them myself… or when I ask a stranger in the pharmacy where she got those fantastic bright mauve 4” heel booties, and she gives me detailed instructions on how to find them? All of those incidents are a form of networking, and, more importantly, they’re also forms of human interactions. It’s simply that in some circumstances we allow ourselves to relax, and in others we feel that we must go in and work the room like a mother**ker, thus immediately getting the best job ever… and suddenly, it’s 1am and we’re drunk, realizing that the only stranger we spoke to all night was the bartender. But bartenders need love also, so no worries.

I’m going to a Seven Sisters networking event tonight—primarily to make sure certain clients show up, but also to drink, for once, among people who don’t happen to be 1) orange, 2) or have a tail, 3) or be feline—so here’s my 3 E-Z Hints for Capable Networking:

1.      Let your goals dictate your means. Therefore, if you’re attempting to get a better job within, say, the tech industry, you probably wouldn’t go to a networking event aimed at lawyers. (Not, of course, because lawyers don’t have tremendous social skills and aren’t fun, easy-going welcoming people…snort. No. Not at all.) So in your mind, make a list of what you’re trying to accomplish by said networking, so you plot out strategy aimed at making you, eventually, successful instead of making it up as you go and ending up grumpy. And drunk. #nothating

2.       Be able to introduce yourself and explain what you to do to anyone, even my (cranky) Abuelita Pastora, if she were 1) still alive and 2) cared. Don’t give me that, “Well I work in a very rarefied field” horseshit. #STFU  If you can’t make eye contact, and, with a smile on your face, explain what exactly it is you do…how can you expect anyone else to listen…or care…or consider hiring you? When did we stop teaching social skills and why do I now, again, sound like your grandpa? If you cannot communicate your skills, I’m going to assume you don’t have any. (Or, as my fave theater teacher said, “Perhaps you’ve heard that life isn’t fair.” #whompwhomp) Also, Pumpkin: the people at the top, the people who frequently hire, they usually have no idea what today’s more technical positions entail. (True story: When he was president, Bill Clinton didn’t know how to send emails. Fmr. President George W. Bush couldn’t load music onto his own iPod. His valet had to do it! Why do I still have brain cells devoted to his crap, when I can barely remember the name of the boy I hung out with two weekends ago! …Vincent? Maybe Jake? It’s gone.)

3.       Communicate, don’t lecture! Read people’s body language. Don’t interrupt conversations already on-going, because, last time I checked, that’s probably not going to win you friends in high places. Use a little common-sense and understand that everyone there is pretty much in the same boat as you are: they don’t wish to be there; they’d rather be home, on the sofa, partially-nude, watching “Portlandia,” but, at the same time, they’d like to improve their professional career. So do unto others as you’d have them do unto you: smile. Ask people questions about themselves. If you can help someone, do so…that’ll win you brownie points till the cows come on. And, for the love of Jebus, have some kind of business card to give to people, since writing your info on pieces of paper torn from your wallet does not look as super professional as your might think. Even my Abuelita Pastora would say, “That sh*t no es bueno.” If she was alive today. And if she cared.  #Noandmoreno

Want more E-Z Advice? You know you do! Like my Facebook page, “Carlotaworldwide Creativity Yenta,” for a free 50 minute consultation, or email me at carlotazee@gmail.com!

Just a quick thought, for all the recent grads posting, in their various LinkedIn groups, that they have a BA in Psych or Gender Studies or 17th century Macedonian lit, with a 3.7 GPA and want a job that lets them express themselves...um, okay. Expression is awesome. As is, eating every day. And I really shouldn't mock, since I was a history major, with a focus on Russian history, from about 1917-1945. So, yep, if those years ever come back around, I'm totally set. I am good to go!

But my point is: help us to help you. When I read these types of postings in my Wellesley College alumnae group, or Indiana University alumni group on LinkedIn, they both break my heart and drive me crazy, because I want to help these kids...but I have no idea what kind of job they want. I have no idea what skills--if any--they have. I cannot, alas, read anyone's mind; I am, unfortunately, not the Delphic Oracle. That position was already filled.

So before posting those listings, here are some things I'd ask recent grads, unemployed people, underemployed people, your mom, etc., to consider: What kind of job/industry am I interested in and why? (Yes, nowadays, we all have to be super perky and basically be ready to make out with HR, we love our employers so much. You have to have some kind of brilliant, emotionally-intelligent reason as to why you're interested in X industry. Not like when I had my first interview at a certain TV network's Moscow bureau, and the bureau chief and I drank cocktails. At 10am. Then the bureau chief laughed at my off-color jokes and thought I might as well get the job, since I was there, whatever. Please do not try this at home.) What relevant skills/experience can I offer? (This question should remind you of the people you met networking, and that this is an excellent time to get back in touch.) Ask yourself, what kind of help am I looking for: information, contacts, advice? And finally: how are you going to help the person who is helping you? If you just take their contacts, forget it, that's a one-time thing. But if you help them...bingo.
If you can write a concise yet informative post answering all those questions, then you've made it very easy for someone to help you. You've also, probably, made it worth this person's time to check out your profile--which of course is a masterpiece of good grammar, spelling, organization...humor me, please!--and then they will contact you with some (hopefully) valid advice.
I mean, who am I to say that advertising your major in Dance or Business Tourism won't get you help from another lost soul graduate of your school, right? But see it from a stranger's point of view: they are going to have to contact you, to figure out what you can do, what you know, etc., so that they can figure out how best to help you.  How likely is that? Exactly.

Want more advice/kvetching? Oh, don't even play, you know you love it. Email me @carlotazee@gmail.com

This blog is supposed to be professional, yes? It's supposed to be a way for potential clients to get a taste of my personality, my joie de vivre, and then actually wish to hire me, not back away slowly. But, as one of my fave playwrights, Joe Orton, famously said: "I'm an acquired taste." Oh well...
Anyway, in view of trying to be (somewhat) professional, I'm not going into delve into the grisly details of last night's networking event at Hudson Terrace...I mean, the event itself was fun and great and it always makes me happy to spend time with Wellesley women since they're smart, articulate and determined to take over the world. I have a special place in my heart for Wellesley, and probably all women's colleges, since how many places can you say are focused with helping women succeed? Exactly.
No, when I say "grisly details," I mean the part of the night where I sort of wandered away from the Wellesley section of the crowd--lured by the siren call of free Bombay Sapphire mojitos (so good! Damn them, damn them to hell for being so good!) and kinda fell in with some people from a very prestigious firm that I shan't name here since I don't wish to be sued (...sued for The Kitten I guess, since the rest is law school debt) and had more drinks, while enjoying a conversation about my cleavage and crowd-surfing and raising the roof...which all seemed hilarious at the time, but maybe that's because those mojitos were da bomb, as the kids say.
I also don't think I need to expound upon the other nice young men I met from Staten Island (oy!) who looked like they had just come from an open call casting session for "Jersey Shore," and whom, when asked what they did, said they worked in "cement." That really made me giggle.
No, the only thing I thought was important last night--okay, okay, besides the networking--was, while on my way home, seeing the father carrying his two- or three-year-old Chinese-American daughter, in his arms, like she was a rare, exotic creature. (Which of course she is.) And it was lovely to see this mom and dad, walking along with their little girl, who was sleepy and secure in her dad's embrace, to see this family and be reminded of what's really important in life.  
(That put me in such a good mood, that when, later that night, I was walking through Times Square and the German tourists asked me, "Please...where to Times Square?," I was able to politely respond that lucky them, they were in Times Square, instead of openly snorting with glee.)