I promise: I’m not one of those people who believe social media can solve all our societal ills, though it is pretty great how it lets me flirt with men around the world. Whoa, where’d that come from? No one wants to hear about my dirty life and times…right?*shifty eyes.* Anyways homies, my point being, while social media can’t/won’t/shouldn’t solve all of our problems… if used properly, it can give you immediate access to people in a way that once would have been unimaginable. That access to people can then be turned into this amazing thing called…opportunities! #tahdah

For example, say you’re looking for a job. Humor me and let’s pretend you’re on LinkedIn with an industry-appropriate profile, a professional photo, no spelling mistakes and no recommendations from people who seem to be writing, badly, in ancient Sumerian. Continue humoring me—come on, I’m a cute girl—that you’ve joined groups on LinkedIn relevant to your education, professional associations, honor societies, and the like. Not only joined but contribute to, communicate with, participate in. Maybe you even, Allah willing, attend alumni events. #whoa Maybe you even help out other alumni, thus creating good karma for yourself. #burstingintosong

Okay, so you’re a trooper, you’re a champion…so, why not make a video, using Google+ for example—I’m currently crushing hard on Google+ till it wants to commit and I get bored…sigh—in which you give me, the viewer and potential employer, a little taste of you, your education, your personality and most important: YOUR PASSION. I guarantee that, unless you’re trying to be a brain surgeon—in which case…why are you reading this? Shouldn’t you be saving someone’s life right about now?—passion is (almost) always going to triumph over expertise. When people are hiring, they’re thinking about which candidate is going to come to work smiling, presentable, intelligible and with a great attitude and the desire to make the company money. No one wants to spend 8 hours a day with an asshole: f**k, these people are married, they get enough shit and mind-games at home! 

So why not make a short—translation: NOT DOWNTOWN ABBEY—video in your living room, for example, wearing a nice suit, or a feminine dress, comb your hair, smile and tell me a little bit about you, as it relates to the industry you’re interested in. Tell me all about your relevant skills, your unique experience and education, your passion and of course, how to reach you. Then, you could link that video to your LinkedIn status, put it on Google+, even Tweet it (oh, be still my beating heart), and, why the hell not, post it on your Facebook page and ask your friends to let you know if they have any industry contacts.

B*tch, do not even give me that side-eye. You can over-share on Facebook about your (boring) child or your half-baked political “thoughts”…but you can’t help your friends to help you by explaining why you should be hired? Maybe you were planning on faxing that resume? Hey, it’s only 2013…maybe by 2020, you’ll have heard of this thing called THE FUTURE! #grumpy   Every time you fax you make the Internet cry, but okay, be that way, live with yourself.  

Want more snark/ideas/nagging? Oh of course you do... Email me @carlotazee@gmail.com, or become a fan of my Facebook page, "Carlotaworldwide Creativity Yenta," for a free consultation!

Besos,

C.

I promise that I'm not always, to use the clinical term, 'poopy.' In fact many people find me a lot of fun, especially when alcohol and good music and adult activities are involved. However, when I have clients and friends complaining about their employment opportunities, or lack thereof, and then I check out their LinkedIn profiles and they have oh, 500+ connections going to waste...then I become extremely poopy. And to quote The Hulk: "Don't make me poopy. You wouldn't like me when I'm poopy."

So, with that in mind, here's 5 hints to improve your LinkedIn profile to, you know, actually make it worth your while...crazy!

1. Post a flattering yet professional photo. Networking, like everything else, is biological. People, for good or bad, are significantly more prone to network with you if you have a smiling, engaging yet professional photo. Notice I used the term "professional." This isn't Jdate or F**kbook, so take off that photo of you in a bikini top or you obviously somewhat inebriated, and instead put on a professional top, comb your hair, make yourself up unless you're a supermodel in which case you wouldn't be reading this--it has too many multi-syllabic words--you'd be busy not eating, so don't kid yourself, you need that mascara and take a photo with your smartphone. That's why god gave us phones: to take photos with, and sext stupid boys.

2. Write a headline which is both interesting and informative. Or, what the hell, at least informative. For example, I used to work in TV news (#oxymoron), so I have a lot of friends still in TV news who have this type of headline: "Media Professional."  Um.
You know who's a media professional? Teenage boys who spend 18 hours a day playing "Call of Duty®" and proudly get "SEGA" tattooed on their bodies. (Translation: boys whom even I would be like: Nah, it's not worth the tsoursis.) You are not a media professional! You can be, instead, a "TV Writer/Producer, with Extensive Experience in Network News Production," or whatever else floats your (rapidly sinking) boat. But don't think that people can't see through "Media Professional." It's like being unemployed and telling people, "Oh, I'm a consultant." Or, "I'm an entrepreneur." You mean, you're broke and couch-surfing.

3. Explain to the reader what exactly you did at each position you mention.
For some reason, many people on LinkedIn feel it's okay to just have a bare bones profile. Invariably, these are the very same people who loathe their jobs and would desperately like a new one. And yet they seriously think that someone else is going to take the time to try to divine what it is they do. I can only assume these people were told, once too often by their enabling parents, that they are fascinating and special and unique. Because, back here on Earth... no one gives enough of a sh*t to bother to figure out what you do.
So, gentle reader, how about you let us all in on the secret as to what you do all day. (Leaving out the time spent on Facebook stalking your exes, and checking out my photos thinking, "Gawd, like she's not even that hot; bitch needs to get over herself!" That's not what your boyfriend said....)
Maybe, by explaining your job to other people, you'll start thinking, seriously, about what you enjoy about your work, what you're good at, and it'll give you some insights into related industries/jobs you could research...industries, for example, which would also value the very same skills. I just blew your mind right? #happensallthetime

4. Join things. So, you graduated summa cum laude or were Phi Beta Kappa, or survived law school or whatever. Go you! Which leads me to this question: why haven't you joined your university's alumni LinkedIn group, or the Phi Beta Kappa LinkedIn group, or your fraternity or sorority LinkedIn group? Don't roll your eyes at me, and tell me how much you loathed all those people. (True story: I didn't even go to my own law school graduation. I was too busy visiting Graceland with a "boyfriend" who disliked having sex with me. The same boy who called me a "whore" like it was a bad thing. And yet, whom do you think I network with? Thank you.)
Listen: I'm not suggesting you date these good people. I'm suggesting you join these groups to network, to see who is hiring, who might be looking to rent their apartment, who needs an intern. How else where you planning to improve your employment situation? Leaving burnt offerings? Sitting glumly on your sofa, watching "Downtown Abbey" marathons and whining? Please don't answer that. I, for example, am a member of my college's alumni group, a Seven Sisters alumni group, a group for the walking wounded graduates of my law school, my high school, and so on and so forth. I cannot, unfortunately, get clients by sitting around in my undies and watching Netflix. (I've tried.) I can, however, get many clients through my various LinkedIn groups.

5. Contribute. After you've joined your various groups, please don't rush in and say, "Hello world, I need a job." Don't just start posting links to your webinars or websites. Think about it this way: these groups are engaged in an on-going conversation. Would you just barge into a conversation, in real life, brandishing your business card and asking to be hired? (I'm going to hope that the people who see nothing wrong with that, aren't reading this blog anyway.) Short answer: No! You'd wait for a natural pause in the conversation, introduce yourself and contribute to the on-going dialogue. You'd attempt to ingratiate yourself so that the people would include you, interested to hear what you have to say.
Some of you now are rolling your eyes into next week, and thinking, "Like OMG, Carlota, are you for serious? I have to wait?" I know, Kiddo: life is not fair to the Beautiful Ones, is it? You think you're Jebus's unique little snowflake and people should be falling over themselves to help you, without asking anything in return. Alas. GET OVER IT! Yes, you have to contribute, you have to prove yourself, you have to demonstrate that you have social skills, and that you're competent, and that you have something interesting and valuable to say. And yes, it takes time. I mean, listen: you want any easy job? The bakery near me is always hiring. Oh, you mean baking (delicious) cookies for minimum wage isn't why you went to Oberlin and majored in theater studies? (#snort) Oh, you want a job with a long-term future, a career which allows you to show off the myriad of talents and skills you possess? Interesting.
Hmm...guess you better start contributing, right? And for those of you interested, here's a link to my LinkedIn profile: http://www.linkedin.com/in/carlotazimmerman Mazel tov!

Want more tips to optimize your LinkedIn account, or you know, start using it? Email me @carlotazee@gmail.com.

Just a quick thought, for all the recent grads posting, in their various LinkedIn groups, that they have a BA in Psych or Gender Studies or 17th century Macedonian lit, with a 3.7 GPA and want a job that lets them express themselves...um, okay. Expression is awesome. As is, eating every day. And I really shouldn't mock, since I was a history major, with a focus on Russian history, from about 1917-1945. So, yep, if those years ever come back around, I'm totally set. I am good to go!

But my point is: help us to help you. When I read these types of postings in my Wellesley College alumnae group, or Indiana University alumni group on LinkedIn, they both break my heart and drive me crazy, because I want to help these kids...but I have no idea what kind of job they want. I have no idea what skills--if any--they have. I cannot, alas, read anyone's mind; I am, unfortunately, not the Delphic Oracle. That position was already filled.

So before posting those listings, here are some things I'd ask recent grads, unemployed people, underemployed people, your mom, etc., to consider: What kind of job/industry am I interested in and why? (Yes, nowadays, we all have to be super perky and basically be ready to make out with HR, we love our employers so much. You have to have some kind of brilliant, emotionally-intelligent reason as to why you're interested in X industry. Not like when I had my first interview at a certain TV network's Moscow bureau, and the bureau chief and I drank cocktails. At 10am. Then the bureau chief laughed at my off-color jokes and thought I might as well get the job, since I was there, whatever. Please do not try this at home.) What relevant skills/experience can I offer? (This question should remind you of the people you met networking, and that this is an excellent time to get back in touch.) Ask yourself, what kind of help am I looking for: information, contacts, advice? And finally: how are you going to help the person who is helping you? If you just take their contacts, forget it, that's a one-time thing. But if you help them...bingo.
If you can write a concise yet informative post answering all those questions, then you've made it very easy for someone to help you. You've also, probably, made it worth this person's time to check out your profile--which of course is a masterpiece of good grammar, spelling, organization...humor me, please!--and then they will contact you with some (hopefully) valid advice.
I mean, who am I to say that advertising your major in Dance or Business Tourism won't get you help from another lost soul graduate of your school, right? But see it from a stranger's point of view: they are going to have to contact you, to figure out what you can do, what you know, etc., so that they can figure out how best to help you.  How likely is that? Exactly.

Want more advice/kvetching? Oh, don't even play, you know you love it. Email me @carlotazee@gmail.com

On Networking

A client, who is in the midst of transitioning to a new job/industry, was asked by her new employers to submit a bio to share with her colleagues. Her employers gave her some examples, and some of her colleagues, when describing what made them, oh, let's be generous and say "unique,"cited past exploits such as (I swear to Yahweh): "hunting snow leopards." Okey dokey. People who "casually" drop information like this into their (cough cough) professional bio make me sad...for them. Clearly they had unhappy childhoods. Their nickname was "It." They wrote a lot of bad poetry. They felt that no one understood them and their pain...no one but Morrissey. They had a long, drawn out "ugly duckling" phase which finally ended with people saying, "Oh, no, no, you're very um...striking!" I'm going to assume they had a lot of adversity in their lives, since the alternative is that they're just insecure assholes. Why not just write how much you can bench press, or your trophy wife's bra size?

Anyhoo, my client, being a sensitive human, was a wee bit surprised, and/or appalled, by these bios. These bios started to make her feel bad about her own achievements. Oh, hell no! Not on my watch. So when she said, "How do I show up when my victories are internal?," you know it was on. Because let's take a moment and acknowledge that all true victories are internal, yes? The human victories that change our lives...these victories aren't marked by graduating with honors, or a pay raise, or a (paid) shout out tweet from Kim K. (I'm assuming she only tweets without pay, when the conversation is about being peed on..?)

This client, for example, had logged some truly impressive volunteer work over the years. So I asked her to list this work on her LinkedIn profile under "Interests", with dates and a sentence as to what exactly she did at each organization. Then, I suggested she join the relevant LinkedIn groups, related to each organization and/or the cause they work for...hello, networking! I also suggested she mention, in her "Summary", her commitment to volunteering, and why it is important.

Because, I know a lot of people always say, "Well, I don't have any connections; I can't network." Um, you better start creating some connections, since, same as it's ever been: networking is how you get jobs. When articles are coming out in which even career "experts" are going on the record as being increasingly concerned about the destructive toll taken on applicants by the screening software used by most companies to expedite the hiring process...we had all better understand the value of networking. We had all better understand that networking is life. (http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702304821304577436172660988042.html

Networking anywhere and everywhere. I personally have networked clients at the gym, in line at Starbucks, on the phone when ordering clothing. It's a little thing I like to do called, "interacting with other humans, who aren't the cats." I recently was on the receiving end of someone's double-standard and criticism for networking in a bar--wow, humans talking in a bar...crazy! I should have been home, putting on petticoats,and wearing a bonnet, I guess.--but that demonstrates their ignorance, not mine.

My point being: volunteering is an EXCELLENT way to gain new skills, help out a cause which matters to you...and, OMG, meet people who can help you in your job search. OMG ponies!!11!! (Carlota: you are so brilliant. And fun. And sexy.) So...you walk shelter dogs for the ASPCA? Awesome, put it on your LinkedIn profile. You never know whom you might meet who is also a dog person, and rescued a shelter dog and has a soft spot for people who help shelter animals...and is hiring. I'd say put almost anything on your LinkedIn profile...except the bit about hunting snow leopards. Keep that to yourself, Papa Hemingway.
 
And if you'd like some more advice about how to dress up your LinkedIn profile, holla @ me: carlotazee@gmail.com!