You Say ‘Opportunistic,’ Like it’s a Bad Thing

That thought came to me recently, as I was trolling through one of the Facebook pages devoted to my college, Wellesley. A recent graduate was looking for professional advice on how to approach an older person in her industry whom she suspected could be an excellent mentor, but she was leery of appearing, in her own words, "opportunistic." Whoa now. When did opportunism become such a bad thing? I must have missed that memo. I honestly believe that opportunism is one of those words that some people use to make women feel bad about being ambitious. Those people are going to have to try a whole lot harder with me.

I mean, if you think networking, researching and all the hard work that goes into creating the (professional) opportunities you need to succeed are bad, well, I suppose you can stay in your job that you probably loathe but took out of fear. *waving* I’ll miss you. (#noiwont). Because listen: I have six-figures of law school debt, a small business to run and two cats who refuse to work. I enjoy eating every day. I’d rather spend this Christmas in Thailand than Queens. I’ve been rich and I’ve been broke as a joke, and last time I checked, rich was better. 

Also, as a feminist and a humanist, I personally want to live in a world wherein every single person has the opportunities they need to educate themselves and ultimately achieve their fullest potential. That’s my fantasy; humor me. Humor me with the idea of a world wherein all people are well-educated, and well-read and bored by the moronic actions of Kim Kardashian's vagina, but instead wake up in the morning, excited to be the change they want in the world. Some of you are reading this thinking, “Okay, hippie, good luck with that.” Thank you! Are there even hippies left, or are they all making their own craft beer in Brooklyn, and naming their (white) children "Havana" and baking vegan biscuits for their dogs. That's a shame.

No,  I’m just a humanist. I want everyone to have the same opportunities to achieve. So you can call me an opportunist, but I prefer to think of it as a refusal to accept your "No," as my personal final answer.

I’ve never understood people who use "opportunist"in a derogatory manner. Who doesn’t want the opportunity to live your truest, most passionate life on a daily basis? Listen, I spent years working in network news, hating myself for having to cut teases of water-skiing squirrels, as “complex” personalities flubbed their live-shots and threw things at me. Between that repressed memory experience and living in Russia and surviving law school, and being engaged twice, I feel like I’m done my time in hell, thanks.  Now I’d like to use my time left on this planet to help people live their fullest, most authentic lives. So if that makes me an opportunist, i.e. a human begin determined to help you figure out your potential and then create a realistic strategy to bring that potential to fruition…? Well, no sweat, America. Just make sure the check clears. 

Want some real help to figure out how to create the opportunities you need? Of course you do, Sunshine! Email me @carlotazee@gmail.com, and like my Facebook page, "Carlotaworldwide Creativity Yenta," for a free consultation. 

Besos,

C.

Help Yourself

It's a beautiful day in NYC...and I'm inside blogging. Such is my commitment to you people. Well, also I'm not going to lie; I have a date tonight and I need, desperately, to invest some time in cleaning up my hovel. Otherwise, this boy is going to walk into my place, thinking: "Did the Tenement Museum re-locate to Queens?" Ha, I kid! (On the other hand, knowing men, let's face it: the apartment could be on fire, and he'd probably shrug and say something like, "Baby, shouldn't you take off your top, bra and panties?" Me: "Good idea! I'll use them to stamp out the flames!" Him: "Um, sure, that too...I guess.")

Anyways. I was out running this morning in my area, and I passed by a local liquor store (Shut up.). I noticed that on the chalk board outside the store, they had a verse from the Bible about tough times being an opportunity to build character. Meanwhile,on the front of the store was a sign reading, "Like us on Facebook for 5% off." Whoa baby, 5 whole percent, hold me back!

I'm not one for reading the Bible much--I did however read that one issue of Playboy, back in the late 1980s which featured an interview/pictorial with Jessica Hahn. That should count for something.--but even I think that the Good Book features at least one verse/caption/Instagram about God helping those who help themselves. Though perhaps what should have been added to that sentence is"...those who help themselves intelligently." (I blame his copy-editor; revenge editing and all that.)

Here you've got a decent liquor store, doing okay, not fantastically, and instead of working to improve their prospects by researching their clients and offering a legitimate discount, or free mixology courses, or tips on which wine to serve with food (short answer: yes.), instead of doing anything intelligently, they're offering a one-time bullsh*t discount of 5% when you like their page. I assume the Facebook page in question is strewn with biblical verse about how suffering is good for the soul. Sigh. Listen: your inability to run a competent business is not Jesus' fault; give a brother a break. He's got enough on his hands with Kim K being pregnant and Congress and mediocre rappers giving him shout-outs.

And I'm not adverse to the character-building properties of suffering. But I am strongly adverse to watching people pretend to solve their problems with the same kind of half-assed "thinking" which got them into the situation in the first place. How exactly is that supposed to work? Why offer a 5% discount, when you could offer a one-time 50% discount, and on-going classes, workshops, resources and a general commitment to the neighborhood? Why offer such a nothing discount, demonstrating your indifference to your customers, when you could make your store into a mecca for all things alcoholic? All I can assume is that, on a certain level, you don't really want your business to succeed, because you're more committed to your suffering than acquiring any type of business acumen. Hence the melodramatic verses regarding the "power" of suffering. Okey-dokey.

You suffer, I'm going to continue to buy my booze at the neighborhood store which gives great discounts, and has a hilarious guy on staff who is always creating new drinks, and offers free classes. They've even started delivering. To paraphrase St. Augustine, "God make me good, but maybe not right now. Let's get through the weekend first."

Want some creative, no-nonsense solutions to truly solve your problems? Of course you do! Email me @carlotazee@gmail.com, and like my Facebook page, "Carlotaworldwide Creativity Yenta," for a free consultation.

Besos,
C.

31Ways2GetItStarted™!: January 25, 2013

Day 25: Come on in, the water's fine!

I write those words in Queens, New York, wearing leggings, a sweater, and sweatshirt, huddled in my apartment which is alternatively over-heated and frigid[1]…but the expression, while perhaps seemingly incongruous to the situation, is apt. At a certain point, in figuring out how and why you’re going to change your life, you have to stop thinking and just do. You have to stop looking and just leap.

Okay, some of you are vomiting in your mouth right about now, thinking I’m that perky chick you knew, and hated, in college who majored in women’s studies,[2] listened to Joan Osborne, for f**k’s sake, and wanted to save Tibet, and ate vegan cookies…wrong, wrong. Vegan cookies are especially wrong[3]. I did wear Birkenstocks in college because 1) they were comfortable, and 2) it was a women’s college, and 3) I was young and foolish. Now I wear Birkenstocks to piss off my dates.

I am the least crunchy person you’ll probably ever meet…but I am, possibly, the most optimistic person you’ll meet, so when I say, “Shut up and do it,” I say it with love[4] and because it’s true. I started this business knowing less than nothing[5], but I was desperate and determined…and look at me now! (Pause.) I mean, okay, don’t look right now, because I’m in sweats, and covered in cat-hair, but behind this squalor (and even more cat-hair) is a life of opportunity, because I just made a way.  I stopped thinking how, or worrying about figuring things out minute by f**king minute, and just did it. Basically, I gave up on being a perfectionist. It’s so tiring trying to be perfect and the limited energy I have needs to be spent on 1) nagging clients and 2) tormenting men[6].

My point being: Dive on in, the water’s fine! You’ll make it happen, and if you don’t, well something even better will work out. Want some help getting your toes wet? Email me @carlotazee@gmail.com, or leave me a note in the comments, or visit my Facebook page, “Carlotaworldwide Creativity Yenta,” for a free consultation.

---

[1] Sounds like my typical date! Thank you, ladies & germs.

[2] Don’t even get me started. I’m a woman myself; I don’t need to be studied.

[3]When I eat a cookie, I demand butter and possibly some lard—life’s short—and if some doe-eyed animal has to be sacrificed for said cookie…excellent!

[4] …meh.

[5] But still more than anyone who voted for Romney. Ha! Aww, Boo, don’t be like that…

[6] Yes, when it comes to boys, I am essentially 8 years old, so if I like a boy, I become very obnoxious. On the other hand, I also become very naked so it all works out in the end.

F**k Hurricane Sandy, You Still Need a Job

You're right: I am a little cranky. Not because I'm worried about Queens getting destroyed in Sandy's maw--honestly, I can't assume that as a single girl hurricane that she'd want all the related ish of the outer boroughs in her life--but I could do without the media whipping the population into a frenzy of fear and loathing and consumption of too much Nutella. Remember when we used to have leaders who grit their teeth, and counseled us that the only thing we had to fear was fear itself, and with that attitude we won World War Two and thus avoided having to learn German? Yeah, me neither...but I could still do without a bleed-and-lead "news" cycle aimed at making me want to trade in all my stockpiled weapons for bottled water and Oreo ice-cream, and live perpetually in fear. (The Kitten just read this opening and is all,"...and how exactly does this tie into helping people get a job?" Re-read the headline, you little orange b*tch.)

Anyhoo... now you're holed up in your hovel, with your significant other or his brother or whoever else was on Craigslist...and guess what? You still need a damn job. I mean, even if you had one in NYC today, you couldn't reach it, since Hizzoner shut down the MTA (#redundant)...but you're (probably) home, you're (probably) single, so you might as well spend part of this day, assuming you haven't had to evacuate, doing something productive--besides getting laid, obviously--and improve your job search. 

Recently, I had a client who was interested in getting hired as a hotel concierge for VIPs at some swanky hotel. Background: a hotel concierge can be expected to do everything from making dinner reservations, to picking up dry cleaning, to retrieving lost laptops and other luggage from across the globe, getting last-minute tickets to the World Series, etc. etc. More generally, a hotel concierge is expected to welcome guests to the hotel and to provide an insider's knowledge about the facility, the city and all the types of options available to the guest. The more expensive a hotel, the more complex talents a hotel concierge is expected to provide. Therefore, for someone detail-oriented, for someone who has excellent communication skills, and is used to performing at a very high level of customer relations...the job of a hotel concierge can be a challenging, if highly rewarding position. 

Since my client didn't have a lot of personal knowledge about the field, some of the first things I wanted her to do was to educate herself about the job, so as to be eventually able to re-write and re-position both her resume, and far more importantly, her LinkedIn profile, as relevant to the hotel/tourism industry human resources people, who would would be hiring for such positions.

What follows are some of the assignments I gave my client...feel free to go crazy. (And even if you're not looking for a job as a hotel concierge, you might find these ideas travel very well to other fields...hint hint!)

 1. What exactly does a hotel concierge do? What sort of skills/education/experience does one need, and how can we "translate" the skills you already have? Let's start by Googling "hotel concierge," check out the industry/job descriptions on Monster, Vault, and also reference a few hotel websites (http://www.nycparamount.com/careers), the W, Hilton, Marriott, to get an idea of which companies if any might be hiring, and whom they're looking for. This is an excellent time to create daily "search agents" on Monster.com and Vault.com, as to to be alerted when these types of positions become available. I would also suggest you then go on LinkedIn.com, and start "following" the companies which are hiring hotel concierges, so that you know immediately when they have openings. 

2. Start a list of all the "buzz words" or "key words" that are repeatedly coming up in your searches and job descriptions for hotel concierge, in order that we may re-write your resume to include all those words and thus help your resume eventually get read and reviewed by an actual human. You should also start working on a rough cover letter, highlighting your extensive organizational skills; your ability to be gracious and resourceful under pressure; your "people" skills, your superior communication abilities, etc..

3. Next, I would advise you to carefully work your way through your  Facebook and LinkedIn contacts, checking to see if you know anyone who works in the hotel trade. Since networking is always far more powerful than passively sending in resumes to an email address, I would strongly suggest you speak to anyone and everyone you know who works in this industry. You need to get over your shame cycle right now and let everyone you know in on this search. If you're willing to post on Facebook, that you're looking for a job as a hotel concierge in the NYC area, and give a couple of sentences describing your relevant experience as well as what exactly you're looking for, and asking people who have contacts to email you, you could be even more successful. The bigger you go with your search, the bigger your results.

These are just some ideas to get you started thinking differently about your potential employment search...as well as your opportunities. If, for example, you really follow those steps and look closely through your Facebook and LinkedIn connections, I'm sure you'll be surprised by how many people you know in any given industry you might be interested in transitioning to. And what if you have no contacts, no ideas whatsoever?

Well, you could always email me @carlotazee@gmail.com. After all, Hurricane Sandy will eventually go away, but you're still gonna need that job...and I'll still be here, waiting to help you get it...

I meant to have this post written by 6am, so I could open with something like,"...it's a new day, another day to continue the difficult if rewarding task of differentiating yourself and your talents...." But considering it's almost 1pm, and I spent the whole morning helping clients, nagging clients, cleaning my hovel, explaining the concept of "free will" to other clients who seem pretty frustrated that I don't have the power to make it so just by commanding  the heavens...well, at least the apartment is clean.

Anyhoo. It is a new day--even here in Queens--and you should spend at least some of it, brooding on how you are going to differentiate your talents, whether you're a poet or attorney, and how you will use the wide world of social media to sell yourself. Because really this, besides falling in lust and eating ice cream and rubbing my feet, is what it's all about...over and over and over again. Figuring out your talents, differentiating those gifts from all the other talented people out there, and then "selling" (in one form or another) those gifts.

I, for example, have been working for weeks on these branding videos I'm doing. Sweet fancy Moses, I'm just doing some stupid videos, not re-making 400 Blows...WTF is my problem, right? Well, if you go on the Interwebs, you'll see oh, several bazillion horrendously done marketing videos. Marketing videos which make you want to move to a commune in the jungle somewhere, with a charismatic if reclusive leader wearing sunglasses and load up on Kool-Aid. No es bueno.

I'd like my videos to actually help my growing business. I'm kind of finicky that way. Weird. So I keep shooting, watching, re-shooting, writing, whining, re-writing, kvetching, even more whining. What's that? Good point, Audience: I could just do the videos naked. Excellent point. However, let's hold off on the truly misguided (i.e. "fun") choices till my soon-to-be reality show enters it's second season and I start "dating" some 19 year old good ole boy from southern Indiana or Kentucky with a history of firearms and a brand new ankle-monitoring device. #goodtimes That should be in about 4 years right? Bueno!

My point being...hmm, what is my point? I'm kind of distracted now thinking about all the bad behavior I'll be able to publicly engage in. No wait, here's my point: think about what your talents are, so you know whom your audience is and how to market to them. I have, as you may have noticed, a very specific brand. So I am involved in creating very specific videos to market that brand. Whatever it is you at home are trying to market--whether you're a poet, an attorney, an up-and-coming actor etc....what is your brand? What makes you unique? When you understand that, you'll be much clearer on understanding whom your brand appeals to, who will (emotionally) recognize your brand..and that will bring you even closer to figuring out, how you can position your brand to appeal to those people who will "get" what makes you special.

Got more questions? Email me @carlotazee@gmail.com...and stay tuned for my first videos...!

I'd like to call this post, "Lessons in Badvertising" (Oh, omg, so clever!), but this computer is about 5 minutes away from getting drop kicked onto the streets of Queens, so let's worry less about the title and just begin. (Serenity. Now. Dammit!)

Anyhoo. There's a liquor store near me, which was recently trying to get people to become fans of their Facebook page with this gem: "Like us on Facebook and get free quotes." Um...fail. FAIL FAIL FAIL! I can get free, incorrectly-attributed quotes anytime I damn please...that's what BrainyQuote etc. is for. If I'm going to become a fan of a booze store, I want... free booze, info on tastings, more free booze, suggestions for dinner, info on cocktails, even more free booze and hey, did I mention, free alcohol? You want me to like your page, how about you give me something of relevant value? (Some of you are now thinking, "Hmm, I liked this b*tch's page...what the hell did I ever get?" You got interesting articles, too much information about my vagina's likes and dislikes, cat memes and hawt pictures of me...shut up, sit down!)

But seriously: if you're going to have a business Facebook page--and if, for some bizarre reason, you've decided your business doesn't need one...sigh. It's 2012. Have you heard that a black man was named president? Yes, NPR was thrilled. Seriously. Join us.-- and take advantage of that continual free advertising, since that's what your Facebook page should strive to be, here are some things for you to consider: What are your goals for the page? Who are your clients? What are they interested in? What do they need? What's different about what you offer? Whom do you wish to be your clients? How will you use your page to get the most positive image of your brand lodged firmly in people's subconscious?

Because that's how it works: You advertise on Facebook, and Twitter, and LinkedIn, just to name a few social media platforms, tirelessly reminding the general public that you're around, offering a great service or product, and eventually, people who need said product or service remember you and...blammo! You have a sale. (That's the CliffNotes version of how it works.) You've made your page compelling, you've gathered an audience...you win!

Of course, one effect of social media is to make people a great deal more resistant to crap advertising, so you have to be a little bit clever about it. For example, say you run a production company...well, you could keep posting status updates reminding people to hire you (#yawn)...or, you could: 1) create a short, easy-to-follow video, demonstrating how to edit in Avid and post it on your Facebook page, YouTube channel, Twitter, etc.; 2) you could put clips of scenes from your fave films, with a note explaining why said films were so influential in your decision to become a film-maker, and how they influenced your career; 3) and you could put up trailers and clips to upcoming pieces, pieces your working on, pieces you're thinking about working on, etc., so people checking out your page, notice how wide your range is, and how interesting you are yadda yadda yadda.

More importantly, by making free videos, and teaching people some valuable skills, you're not just talking about your expertise...you're showing it. And you're a consumer...what is more likely to make your hand reach for your wallet? Big talk or solid, usable action? Exactly.

Want more ideas on how to make your Facebook page come alive? Email me @carlotazee@gmail.com!

First World Problems

Just this morning, I had an exchange over email which truly epitomizes the phrase "first world problems." In a nutshell, I "un-friended" (Why do I feel like I'm 13 all over again, for just typing these words?) a former work acquaintance, with whom I barely shared anything any longer. Once he found out...the wrath erupted. Well, erupted for about the time it took for us to exchange some snarling emails and then he blocked me. (Remember how Cartman always teases Kyle for his "sandy vagina"...? Exactly.) But this person did feel the need to inform me that I should "watch [my] temper" since it won't help me in business. Hmm. Children, let's all put our heads down on our desks and quietly think of all the famous, wealthy people you know whom are famous precisely for their ability to be "difficult." (Insert musical pause here.) Whoo, children: that's a long list of "adults" famous for their temper tantrums and bad behavior right? Now, let's now take another minute to thank Jebus that we live in a country where people can be famous and get swag and have tons of sexual opportunities with other hot people for being "poopy." God Bless America...for reals, yo. (Excepting Rick Santorum and his complete lack of humor.) Not even kidding about being grateful for being here in Queens, as someone who has lived in Russia, India, China, Washington, D.C....especially D.C. where "famous people" are senators from Nebraska and I. Don't. Care.
Because, here's the thing: I do get cranky...and you all knew that! I'm not trying to sell you a persona of something I'm not...like someone wholesome. That would be wrong and boring and 5 minutes into a session with a new client, they'd be thinking, "Wow, that's a lot of sexual innuendo and profanity and cat references for a Mormon, right? Nice ta-tas, tho. Hmmm..."
Clients know I'm cranky and that's why they hire me. Because they want the tough love, they want someone to hold them accountable, they want to know someone gives enough of a sh*t about their lives, their future, their potential to be pissed off when they show up for a session with the "I didn't do my homework, because I had to kill a black teenager who was going to attack me with Skittles" excuse. People want to know they matter...which, in hindsight, is probably why that guy I un-friended was so cranky in the first place...#zing!

Realistic Resolutions Day 2: 'Wait and see' is not a strategy

Listen, I've been cleaning my hovel since 7am--primarily because it was getting so grimy I felt like I was living in some Queens-based frat house...albeit without any hot frat brothers or keggers, alas.-- so trust me: I'm not here to nag at you. Not today. You're probably hungover, cranky, dreading returning to work, or extremely pregnant (but hopefully, not all at once), and I need to get out and frolic in the sunshine so... away we go...
'Wait and see' is not a strategy. It's not even the red-headed step-child of a strategy. It's a cop-out. When somebody says that they're going to "wait and see" what happens with the job they hate, or the person they're dating who bores them to tears, or [fill in the blank], you don't need Google translation to understand that they're going to "ignore the situation, do exactly nothing and hope that someone else will take control of their lives and make everything happy happy joy joy."
What is it with people who assume that someone else will help them find a job, or a better way to do their makeup or a purpose for their life? Now, admittedly, I'm a Type A megalomaniac control-freak, but I find these people fascinating. Well, really what I find fascinating is their ability to lie so fluently to themselves. Is it condescending to admit that maybe I'm a little bit jealous? My ego is a harsh task-master. When I lie to myself, I'm cheating myself, and it drives me crazy. It keeps me up at night. (That does not apply, however, to my prodigious ability to lie to the mens I date. Ha!) But there are people who can seriously look me in the eye and say, "Oh, Carlota, I'm going to wait and see. I mean, my resume's not that bad, whatever, you know? I guess something will work out." It almost makes me a wee bit jealous.
But not really. Because you and I both know what will "work out": nothing. Instead, life will happen, day after day. You can ignore it, close your eyes to it, or blog about it. However, as many other people have noted, life goes on. So, if you're stuck in your life, you kinda stay stuck. You might eventually become comfortable with being stuck, it might become 'safe', it might become all you expect of yourself...but no, you don't just go from being stuck, to living a rewarding life, using all of your potential. You stay stuck. Which, I know from personal experience, sucks. So me personally? I'd always rather do the hard work and change what I can...since lying myself always took so much effort.
(Wanna get unstuck? Holla at me!)

"Sentence structure is innate but whining is acquired."- Woody Allen

I promise I'm not whining. (If I was whining, trust me: you'd know. That sound would get in your brain and you'd want to kill me and probably yourself so as to liberate yourself from my dulcet tones...ha.) But recently, I kinda got, figuratively at least, punched in the solar plexus. It was especially disturbing because I never anticipated it. Never saw it coming.
But, I'm a big girl, and after surviving TV news, Russia, law school, Queens, The Kitten eating items in my purse, various ex-mens, etc...well, it really takes a great deal to knock me down. I mean, if you can survive multiple Russian winters, you're golden. (Hitler couldn't...and we all know how that ended.) So, I had my little pity party, I felt a little bad for myself...and then that got boring and I moved on. (As a friend would say: " I rose above it all, on my broomstick!")
The person who gave me the punching? Well, I never let on to them how painful I found their actions to be.I simply killed them with kindness, as the saying goes. So when they, shortly thereafter, sent me a sincere apology, I brushed it off: no harm done! (Did not feel the need to mention that I had been sincerely hoping the NYPD would pepper-spray them.)
Because, in reality, there was no harm done. After years of feeling at loose ends in my life, and in my work, I've finally figured out some very important things about myself, my life, etc. I've gotten my sh*t together. It's awesome. (Exhausting but awesome.)
So now, do you really think I'd give any person that power over me? I "ha" in your general direction. You don't want to help me? Fine. Go with God, live your life, etc. At this point, I could lose all physical ability, and only be able to blink out the letters of the alphabet and I'd get the job done. It would be brutal. It'd be extremely un-fun for all involved...but it would happen.
I'm not writing this to show off what a bad-ass I am...but to hopefully make you good people out there, who might be going through the same thing, start thinking the same thing about your own passion and determination.  

Fast Times at Benjamin N. Cardozo High

Last night I went into the depths of Queens--and since I live in blue-collar, anti-hipster Woodside, you know I went deep into the belly of the beast that is Queens--to represent Wellesley College at a college fair at Benjamin N. Cardozo High (...respect!). It was pretty much an awesome night, and not just because boys would come into my room to take a Wellesley brochure, and I'd sweetly say, "Guys, Wellesley is a women's college," and they would take fright and flee. Flee with this expression of horrified panic, as if I'd wanted them to listen to poetry about my menstrual cycle and sing along to Ani DiFranco. That part was hilarious.
But the incredible part was meeting these young women, who were already really excited about possibly attending Wellesley, and talking with them about what college meant to them, and all the things they were currently doing. They were all athletes, or spoke Chinese or Arabic or Russian or Thai, or volunteering, or generally working to find a cure for cancer. They'd tell me that they were in the 96 percentile GPA, and spoke Hindi, Farsi and Swedish, and ran track and then say, "But wow, if you got into Wellesley, you must have been really amazing right?" Um.
Okay, I'm going to be honest here and say that while I did attend an excellent high school, and had excellent grades--or evaluations, since we didn't have grades, cough rich hippies cough--and did have a play on off-Broadway when I was 18...I also spent a great deal of time in high school, hanging out, reading old issues of Mad Magazine, walking my dog and talking with my friends. I did, it is true, read voraciously, about 3 books a week, but it was random, everything from Portnoy's Complaint to Chekhov to Ionesco. I also spent a lot of time day-dreaming and whining. (I did not, however, feel the need to let the kids in on that.)
I don't usually spend a great deal of time around teenagers, so right here and now I am going to publicly apologize for my more unpleasant assumptions about them: you know, that they all have ridiculous taste in music, clothing; that they're all a pain in the ass, etc. I was wrong! I'm starting to suspect that I was judging them based on how I was as a teenager: sullen, cranky, wearing loafers, listening to Richard Marx. (Oh my.)
These kids were pretty incredible: dedicated, smart, multi-lingual, ambitious, well-spoken, charming and so inspiring. And it didn't hurt that most of them thought I had only graduated college a few years ago: love that!
I left there after three hours; I was exhausted, but given all the nattering nabobs of negativity we hear in the news, all those idiot Kardashians, etc., it was like a breath of fresh, spring air to meet these passionate, involved, articulate, super-smart kids. I kind of needed that...which is sort of funny, right? I went there to share with those students something that meant a great deal to me--my college experience--and they shared with me something much more important.

"Hell, there are no rules here, we're trying to accomplish something!"-Edison

I'm going to do my best to ignore the fact that today is September 1st (*shifty eyes*) and that Monday is Labor Day (*extremely shifty eyes*), and that the summer is over (*rage rising*) and stay on some kind of message. To wit: yesterday, sports fans, I wrote about the need to follow your dream, no matter how insane the haters may say it is, if your dream makes you happy. I mean, yes, you need to temper your dream with some reality, but: life is hard. Maybe you've heard that before? It is true; the cats and I can verify. Life is very hard, not only in Queens, and if  this is your dream, whether it's of writing the great Jewyorican novel or meeting a fun man who is sexy, smart and will win the approval of the cats (If the Kitten was awake, that would make him chortle.)...you have to fight for it. That's not a suggestion, son. It's far too early for me to be kidding.

Because if you don't, if you let people frighten you otherwise, you don't just lose that dream...you lose your confidence and that is a very serious loss. Because, let's face it: in life, in art, in business, there are no rules: no one knows what the hell they're doing. You think other people know what they're doing, when they do crazy things that lead to great things? Ha. Don't believe the hype. Later on, if they're honest, these people will sort of chuckle bitterly and admit they were just sort of messing about and praying that it worked before they got evicted, and now, if you don't mind, they're going to do infomercials and reap the intellectual rewards (translation: "date" their yoga instructors and be as naked as possible).

Business, like art, like love, is about whatever works at the time. Think about how many things, throughout history, were, at the time, expected to fail miserably. And then, for whatever reason, that "mistake" caught on and suddenly, the inventors went from zero to hero. (It's 5:30am, so the best my brain can come up with right now is the film Alien. A film which would eventually spawn a franchise, and make obscene amounts of money around the world but which, at the time, the studio was convinced would be a horrendous bomb: weird sets, weird music, and a female lead?? Mwah hah hah.)

So, I need you to take whatever frightened gibberish people have chanted to you about rules, or being nice, or fitting in, or listening to your elders...and hit the (mental) delete key. I need you to block that sh*t. I need you to think: "F**k that noise," as a former boytoy of mine used to say, in his great nasal, Chicagoan accent. Because the people who harp on the rules...they're the people who never got it. Whatever the "it" is/was. Remember: they. Never. Got. It! They're the ones anxiously trying to research why some people succeed and others fail, instead of just succeeding. They're the ones who, sadly enough, never experienced what the masterful Russian poet Osip Mandelstam spoke of, when he was truly at the height of his extraordinary powers and he described the knowledge of his powers as "feeling [his] wingspan." He was murdered by Stalin's thugs, and died in the Russian gulags, his body thrown into an unmarked mass grave...but while Stalin lies, pox-marked and blood-stained on the dust-heap of history, Mandelstam's clear voice rings on. Reading Mandelstam's poems today, one can witness his tremendous spirit and gift because... he knew he was right. 

In business, in art, in life, you're "right" when you make it happen, and you animate your vision, when you feel your wingspan...so tell me, please: what could rules ever have to do with being right?

Good night, Irene!

I’m writing this in Queens—that sounds like the opening narration for some very bad, 1970s post-apocalyptic “message” film starring Charlton Heston- before Hurricane Irene makes landfall AKA before Queens is washed out…to other parts of Queens? Whatever. Neither the cats nor I am evacuating. We have cash, candles, batteries and kibble…we shall rebuild! On the other hand, if the MTA blinks and shuts down the subway system then I probably will give up, give in and hitchhike to…Oregon? Too much rain. Possibly Montana: no speed-limit and lots of aging hippies, which equals free love. So: Bloomy has his plan, I have mine.

But I recently watched a fantastic documentary, Medal Of Honor (http://www.pbs.org/medalofhonor/) which was  simultaneously inspiring and hilarious, as Medal of Honor recipients from World War Two, Korea, Vietnam,  Iraq and Afghanistan, discussed—quite casually—the almost unbelievable things they had done. Of course, none of them had done these acts hoping for a medal. They acted because they saw a need to act. And when I say “unbelievable” acts, I’m talking here about a single man shooting, and holding off, Japanese bombers, during the attack on Pearl Harbor, or an American soldier in Vietnam, whose medal was held up, because it didn’t seem possible that he could be alive following all the acts of heroism he had accomplished in a twenty-four hour period.

It’s a wonderful documentary and I can’t recommend it highly enough. But once thing I noticed is that almost all of the men, when asked how they did what they did say something like, “I have no idea…I just did!” There is the common theme of people in desperate circumstances just going out and doing what needed to be done to survive. And that, I think, is very important. I’m not going to seriously compare our present economic mess to World War Two, for example—how could I? Then, we had effective, competent, inspiring leadership…--but for people who are unemployed, or under-employed, who have been foreclosed upon, or have generally seen their way of life evaporate into something unfamiliar and deeply confusing…this is a war. This is a period of great upheaval and struggle. It’s exhausting. But if we sit around and brood about how difficult things are, and what the dismal future might hold…ugh, it’ll be much, much worse. So, don’t think: DO. Get through it. Get through it, to make something better tomorrow. Or, as a certain President once said, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”